I never thought it would endure this long...

I never believed that I would stand here, and question myself this much. It has been nearly four years since I left the inner demon that terrorized me. I know I've talked about it again and again, but these wounds never seemed to have healed.
I felt that she would be with me until the end of time, never knew what love was, still don't know what it is.

In a foreign land, I give the reason that no one understands me to escape my consciousness, but it sounds more and more like an excuse instead of reason. And I find myself in front of a dark ocean, hearing the waves slow crawl onto the shore, finally understanding that it was me who was mistaken, wrong to try to understand others before I could understand myself. Wrong to mask myself and say that others will never see beyond my skin.

Once I thought I found love. At that time, I use to listen to Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars like I am now,

‘I don't know where, confused about how as well, just know that these things will never change for us at all...'

I remember holding her and dreaming that my dreams, dreams that felt so real, yet surreal in reality, all of it were coming through to me, but as beautiful as clear crystal glass is, it breaks as explosive as it's beauty.

I realized after all this time that I was used, guilty that I couldn't give back what I had taken, guilty that I could not make it up the guy who was going to be with her, guilty that I knew I was being used but just kept on enjoying it.
But like my dad told me, I wasn't unlucky to have lost her, she was ; and she wasn't lucky to lose me, I was.

I still feel after 4 years of not talking to her, she hasn't changed, still the person she was and will always be. I realized now how she used her parents, her sister, her boyfriend as shields, always hiding. And I realize the lies she said then and now, I bet she still hasn't come clean to her current boyfriend about everything.

Like I said before, I'm wrong to judge her, and will always be I guess, I hope she changes and she becomes the better person God meant her to be. I guess I was obsessive about her, but now, I finally feel I can move on, finally feel that wound is stitched and mended.

If she has six sense, I hope she can hear these words, thanks for the memories, thanks for the smiles and laughs that I had with you, because after all this time, those are the only things I really remember about us and I guess that is the only thing that mattered.

Goodbye my youth and naivety ... Goodbye my guilt of you... Goodbye...

A different me?

After like nearly 3 years I'm writing this post, wondering if anyone still remembers this place that I once thought would be the only living link between my friends and me. But I neglected, ignored everything because I felt that there were things bigger in this world than you or me. And on this lonely night where I find my self alone, finding for solace in lost memories and forgotten dreams, i feel more lost than a cloud in a storm.

This is going to go on and on, ramblings of a lost mind if you care to say. If you plan to read and understand these words of mind, you better have enough time.

It has been nearly two years since I last saw or even contacted any of my high school friends and other friends that I made along to the way to the place which I sit now. Most of them might even think I am dead, and I never will blame them, because it is my fault for cutting all our ties. I neither regret nor deny any of the accusations that fall and are to fall upon me.

It had been about three years ago when this nagging thought came into my mind, what if the world were to end, where would I stand? Between the towering feats of men of bygones and the catastrophes that are about to concur, will there be a future for those who desire it? I wanted to embark on a journey to find truth, to find the meaning that coverts us, that hides from us, that at some point we just forget.

Giving up everything bit by bit, I was foolish enough to think that i would find the answer. Forgetting my past, forgetting my present, forgetting my future, forgetting everything that would tie me down to the fate of a layman. Yet I couldn't find one happy moment that I could appreciate. Except for my family who has supported me for so long, I can't think of other happy thoughts. The friends I gave up to find the better good, why do I miss them so much?

Last year, two of the many catastrophes to come happened right in front of me, and a realization beyond anything crippled me. I changed and I know it. The importance of the people around me, and those who have been around me, I can never repay the favors you have done me, and I can never forgive myself for trying to forget you. I don't know who writing any of this can change anything, but on this cold, dark night, I fear that my thought can never reach you, and maybe it never will, but I find some solace in this.

exams... the dreaded exams...

4th year is one god-damn bitter pill to swallow down. i've been having 4 reports a week on average and the worst part is i'm starting to not understand some stuff that the teachers are s=trying to teach. well, i don't think i'm the only one that is facing that problem. the fact of the matter is there is too much of information to munch through and on top of that, there is virtually no time for revision (at least for me) to tackle all the homework and other stuff i am doing. the exams are just around the corner (in another 10 days?) and i am so not prepared for the 14 subjects... god help me please :P
hahaha, getting through tough spots are my specialty, so don't worry about me. recently nothing much happened, malas want to upload the photos of sii lee's birthday here since he is already doing in face book hahaha... i'm so evil. until the exams finish i don't think i'll actually update on anything interesting... sorry and ta-ta...

just some random thoughts...

In life, do you ever feel that you've reached your limit and you don't want to try anymore? it's had to grasp on to the thing you want most and you feel lost. i don't know why but i feel like i am at this crossroad right now, and i'm having trouble picking out the road i want.
recently, about a month ago, after i came back here, i started to realize that i have so many things wrong in me, and i'm slowly trying my best to change, and because of that, i'm facing a lot of hurdles. hurdles, if you were supposed to jump over them, you would do it naturally, but if you are forcing yourself, then there is this unknown force that keeps you from jumping higher up past these hurdles.
ya, i know i'm talking crap, but what i mean to say is, when you set your own targets, it seems so much more harder to reach them, but when others set you a target, it seems that much easier to reach it. and, i started realizing why, because only you know how far you can go, and you will push yourself, further and further, because you know your limits.
yesterday i was about to give up all my plans, and just let myself slip into free fall. but i guess i have to go further than that, since i have nothing to lose. i wish i had my vigor from before, i wish i can turn back time.

i know i can't,
that's why i try,
to find a finer,
to be a better,

not always easily solved,
but always arising easily,
problems are there unending,
your prerogative to end,

find a shining light,
in the darkest corner,
find your way home,
even if you're lost...

cycling competition???

i don't know why the japanese people here like to put competition behind everything here. the cycling competition is held every year, but it isn't a competition, it's just us and our tutor riding our bicycles up to a spot for a barbecue. yup, that is the main point, BBQ!!! and suddenly this year, the teachers decided to cancel the BBQ for some planetarium visit, without even asking us. wei jian, my senior, decide he was not going to go with it, and after asking me to tag along with him, we went and 'discussed' it with our teachers.

teacher: it might rain this weekend so we think that eating the box lunches are the best choice.
me:... if it is so... (sad face) (look at wei jian)
wei jian: (even sadder face) teacher, this is our last time, we all have been looking forward to this event for so long...
teacher: (pitying us) let me ask around...
we: thank you!!!

well, the actually conversation was for about an hour, but the main point is we made ourselves look pathetic and the teachers fell for it. hehehe...
well we had the BBQ in the end without any cycling, and they ended up naming it the BBQ competition...
well, we had a lot of fun. and we got to know the tutors better, and here are a few photos of the event...
cooking the food
the food
the juniors tutors and us
me pushing sii lee of a cliff...
group photo

mother's day...

just read somebody's blog and he wrote about mothers day and how one of his friend's mom just passed away recently. is it just me or do japanese not celebrate today? well, i have been doing a lot of thinking recently.
one of my thoughts, well is about my mom... i remember so well the times i relied on her for every single thing i needed. they (my family) sent me a few pictures of them and me together last year, so i wouldn't miss them. in one pic, i was sleeping on her lap, and she and i were both smiling. i really, clearly, crisply remember that feeling, the feeling that even when the world crumbles around me, they and she will always shield me. at that time, i was having a difficult break up with my girlfriend(?). and mom knew every inch of pain that i felt, and that made me stronger, for her i'll live and break through anything, that's what i always say to myself when i come to a high wall.
and for this past year, i feel like i'm reaching out but there is nothing to grasp or hold on to, because, she isn't here with me and neither are they. i think i've become more better looking, more intelligent and all, but, i still feel this gaping hole in my heart, that i've nothing. i have very little solace here except my seniors and juniors, which i really thank. i feel very empty these days, wonder if the people around me realize that... i miss my family too much i guess...
i've done a lot of growing in this past three years, change from a brat to a man, started viewing life differently. but like my mom always used to tell me when she was pampering me, 'no matter how much you grow up, you'll always be my little baby', guess that even though i ain't so little anymore, i'm still her baby...

at dawn,
wake to her smile,
listen to her chatter,
eat her love filled meal...

at dusk,
my hand she holds,
my way she guides,
always showing the right way,

if i had a world to trade,
i'll still have nothing to compare to your love,
but if i had a few words to give you,
i'd say i love you again and again...

my mom, i wonder when i can eat her food again, wonder when i can listen to her stories again, and i wonder when i can lay down on her lap again. and smile like everything is good, and nothing else matters, even if for just that few minutes...

golden week, to vie and tire...

it was a tiring week for me, and i don't think i'm gonna get any rest for the next few weeks too either. basically since our seniors took us to golden week last year, i guessed we had no other choice but to take our juniors to tokyo too, and i thought it was going to be boring...
but i have never been any more wrong than that in my life, to see my batchmates again, i think i'd travel up and down at least another ten times. i felt like crying everyday i woke up during that 4 days because i knew we were a step closer from separating again. i nearly cried so many times, but i guess i was to 'manly' to cry... i don't want to drag my emotions on cause i think many people already think i'm too emo... but i want to say this, i really miss all of you my friends... i love you all...
and to my batchmates that read this, i want to say one thing, i enjoyed our hokkaido trip, a lot. there was a few parts that i didn't like, but obviously that happens when you travel and you are tired. some kohais said i said that i didn't like the trip, the truth is that they asked me how was hokkaido and i said this, 'the time we went was a little bit wrong, some flowers, fruits and foods where not in season and we couldn't see them.' i hope none of you get the wrong idea.