friday morning rain...

friday morning rain is pouring,
steal some futons share some blankets,
clouds are shrouding me in moments i want to forget,
i twist to hid from my tutor,
but he tries so hard that i have to wake up now,
and i'd rather gladly stay in my bed and sleep some more,
if i knew class was going to make me sleep anyway,
if i knew class was going to make me sleep anyway...

i don't know about other people... but...

the scientific equation,

morning rain + darkness + a big comfortable futon + me = sleep

why do these people love to wake me up when it rains? i swear i'll bite the next person who wakes me up when it rains... can't we make it a public holiday if it rains in the morning? and after i drag myself to class, the teacher starts talking, and all i can hear is, '今日の授業はとてもつまらないので、寝てもかまへん' (today's classes are going to be very boring, it's alright to sleep) for god sake, the teachers here, some are so terrible... one guy, when i was copying his unreadable notes and listening to his unreasonable explanations... i was giving my hundred percent to try to understand him, then all of a sudden blank.... when i woke up, my notebook had a big mark on it, it seemed that i fainted from trying to hard to understand him, and the pencil i was using and writing notes with got dragged when i fainted and made a big big big awful line on my book... today when the weather is so good for sleeping, i don't thing i'd last more then 5 minutes in his class... well anyways... i'll try my best....

when someone's wish comes true...

if you people haven't realized it yet, what i write is always my pure thoughts, and music is one thing that can really express my feelings without me busting into some long illogical explanation as why i find my life trivial and such... the thing is... what do we live for?
i live to become a hero, a person that will save people from their final failings... but here is the irony, for my wish to become true, are the people around me supposed to be helpless and be unable to live without me? i just realized something big a few weeks ago, at least to me, what we wish for often doesn't come true because not everyone can get what they want... sounds stupid and you were going to say, 'i knew that!' but think again, for you to get into a university, someone else fails, for you to earn 1000 dollars more, someone earns 1000 dollars less.
everyone's wishes doesn't come true at the same time...

utada hikaru - darekano negai ga kanou koro
(when someone's wish comes true)
小さなことで大事なものを失った
冷たい指輪が私に光ってみせた
「今さえあればいい」と言ったけど　そうじゃなかった
あなたへ続くドアが音も無く消えた

あなたの幸せ願うほど　わがままが増えてくよ
それでもあなたを引き止めたい　いつだってそう
誰かの願いが叶うころ　あの子が泣いてるよ
そのまま扉の音は鳴らない

みんなに必要とされる君を癒せるたった一人に
なりたくて少し我慢し過ぎたな

自分の幸せ願うこと　わがままではないでしょ
それならあなたを抱き寄せたい　できるだけぎゅっと
私の涙が乾くころ　あの子が泣いてるよ
このまま僕らの地面は乾かない

あなたの幸せ願うほど　わがままが増えてくよ
あなたは私を引き止めない　いつだってそう
誰かの願いが叶うころ　あの子が泣いてるよ
みんなの願いは同時には叶わない

小さな地球が回るほど　優しさが身に付くよ
もうー度あなたを抱き締めたい　できるだけそっと

I've lost something important because of small things
The cold ring showed its glimmer to me
I said, "All I need is today," but that wasn't the case
The door to you vanished without a sound

The more I wish for your happiness, the more selfish I become
But still, I want you to stay, and I always did
When someone's wish comes true, she'll be crying
That way the door won't make a sound

I wanted to become the only one who can heal you, who is needed by everyone,
and I've endured it a little too much

To wish for own happiness is not selfish, right?
If that's so, I want to hold you as tight as I can
When my tears dry up, she'll be crying
That way, the ground under us won't dry up

The more I wish for your happiness, the more selfish I become
But you never hold me back, you never did
When someone's wish comes true, she'll be crying
Everyone's wishes can't be granted at once

As the small earth rotates, I learn to become more kind
I want to hug you once more, as soft as I can

what a busy life...

emm... let's see... solve this equation...
design competition (making paper bridges)
+foreign student speech contest (in school)
+english speech contest (in akashi kosen)
+sports festival
+kosen (college) festival#
= ???
= to me dying... what the hell? why am i so busy one ah? who ask me to join this and that, some more i not yet +badminton club lagi... god... help me... i pray this 2 months past by fast... so i can go and ski with wei shen during winter...
ok ok erhemm...
serious a bit...
well i got my self pretty messed up here... i shouldn't be in so many of these things... why can't i see the future?! give me some strength to see the future if you don't want to give me magneto's powers please!!!
ERHEM... still not serious enough... i'm still blabbering... sorry...
i hope i can do well in the speech contest when i represent my school, i've got this phobia called legs-shake-violently-on-stage phobia a.k.a. stage fright. at least a used to have it when i was younger, now i don't know maybe it has become better or maybe it has become will-faint-on-stage syndrome... anyhow... the design competition team looks like they are trying to win this year, but with the fact the only think within a box, and new ideas seem to be out of the question for them... which is making me quite sick... but must endure... Omm... Omm... i started meditating recently to relieve a lot of unwanted stress... not working though... it only leads me to eating mid-night snacks... which is why i'm so fat now TnT ... since doing the design contest thing also collides with my badminton practice, i can't go for it... sigh... wanted to become better... SIGH...
yoshi yoshi!!!
i've got to work hard from now on, this post is just an impulse... i really hope i wasted your time!!!

speech contest???

i was just sitting down and just day-dreaming reminding myself that i should update my blog and stuff... just when i decided not too, i read an e-mail sent to me by a friend about various scams to rob, rape, and even ravage a person... i meant murder when i said ravage if you didn't get it... i was just thinking is money or material wealth so important to people now that we would even forsake the lives of others just to get the things we want? i sometimes ask God why he made flesh so weak in the midst of lust and luxury... politics, gangsterism, terrorism, religion, faith, beliefs and so many other things nowadays are used as tools to garner money instead of it's original purposes... and i wonder why, why do people do this...

a terrorist who kills innocent people because people rather buy a coke then the local cola? funny isn't it, this is terrorism these days... i remember a time where people trusted the people they chose to lead them, people followed a person because of the greatness of that person... what has become to these people now? we follow the lead of old men who only think of the benefits they will reap from these people who trust them... funny isn't it, this is what our politics have become... a person kills a little girl that was laughing happily with her mother, when the weeping mother asks him why did he kill her daughter, he answers coldly, 'because she didn't smile at me...' funny isn't it, that is how invaluable a life has become now...

in our rapid changing world, people view differently what is needs and luxury... having a 40 inch wide screen television set with surround sound seems more important then taking care of our mothers. believe me, that i maybe young but i've seen the terrible things humans are capable of, but i'm not saying i've seen everything either, but trust me when i say that nowadays priorities are lost in a vast land of where fame and luxury rules over famine and suffering. if given a chance to wish for something, who many people here would wish for peace over money? i don't believe that even half would, because that's just the way we have become...

sometime i feel like a hypocrite myself and most of you all would think so too... i wonder what i can do to change too, not the world, but myself... it would take a greater mind than mine to think of ways to change the world, i find it amusing that what so little change we do in our lives can change the lives of so many others and yet we fail to do so in so many cases. think, saving a little water, saving a little electricity, donating a little bit to charity, praying a bit more to God, all of this can affect and change this world even if not a bit. people might think that this small change might not affect anything at all, but how wrong these people are we should realize now. there is a proverb in my country, 'sedikit, sedikit, lama-lama jadi bukit...' those who know this proverb might be laughing at me right now because this proverb is what we learnt during our kindergarten years. it literally means, a little by a little eventually becomes a mountain, meaning that no effort is too small. we are human beings, when you think of it, we are one of Gods most sophisticated creatures. just moving one of my finger here is the work of millions of cells, electric pulses, muscles and so much more.

what we leave in this world when we leave it is a memory of ourselves in those people who think we made a differnces in their lives. we leave not a trail of money or fame in our deaths, just memories that people will cherish or despise. so it is up to you to chose between the two, you may think now it is an easy choice, but those who have seen the other side of the moon know, not always doing the right thing is right... prove me wrong, prove to me that we are not as bad and terrible as i have said... i'd be happy if you do so... thank you for listening to my speech here...

he's everything you want....

the words in this songs to me mean a lot and i realized this when i was way back in high school... this song totally rocks... you should listen to it if you have never heard it before...

"Everything You Want"
by vertical horizon

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

[Chorus]

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

haunting...

you know, i have three test left, am almost done studying for the two tests i have tomorrow... yes i know it's already midnight here and i'm supposed to sleep now... but well i can't help myself... i went to my tutors room just now, and the talk went from physics to the upcoming sports fest we are going to hold for autumn, one of my classmates who is going to play basketball with me was so cold towards me it almost felt like he was talking bad things about me once i left the room... but the thing is he ain't it's just that i'm getting paranoid... don't understand why but i can't trust anyone of these japanese people yet, and at times like these i wonder if i'll ever get around and trust them ever... since coming here i realized i've changed a lot, i've lost my inspiration to study suddenly and i've also lost my trust in people a lot, i'm always having thoughts that they are plotting against me, even my own friends... i never was like this back in malaysia, i always trusted who i called my friends 100 percent, can't understand why i'm changing like this...
i don't want to really change, even though many people have told me before there is no such thing as complete trust and such... but that is what made me, me... my regard that if you trust someone with all your heart they'd never betray you... and now i stand here feeling that all that i believed in is fake... why why why... i really hate to also say that i don't have a reason for turning like this so suddenly... i'm scared of myself now and i'm wondering if i can stop this change... people worry about me at home i know, i was the guy they always babysat and took care of, and now i'm here without my shield... but realize this, i won't know how a blow feels until i take one... i need a slap right now...
i'm not going to pin my mediocre performance in my tests this time on all this things, but all i can say is i didn't do this right this time, and there is still next time, and i need to do better in the next round...
i'll play basketball with him and i hope i can become better friends with him from now on out, and... i promise you all, i won't change... i'll be me, the short tempered, irrational, stubborn, lazy, and lucky me always... i love you all, and i miss my home a lot now, i miss my friends a lot now...
i wish you all could see me now... i wish i could see you all now...
but... i know i am here for you all, and you all are there for me...
and... i'll be the same me when i see you all again next year...

memories...?

yesterday one of my super seniors (we call our seniors who are more than 2 years elder than us that) came back... coincidentally, he found my diary, and asked me if he could read it... i said yes and he read aloud the last page that i got shocked... was that even me... and then i guess due to my reaction, he stopped reading it. after he left, i read my diary once more, and i had gotten this smile on my face... so much time has passed away so fast that i don't know what to say anymore... what is written in it is what my heart felt at that specific moment or time when i started writing during my break-up period with my first love, you wouldn't believe how much spelling mistakes i made... what i did realize that, through out all those times, somebody was always with me...

i want to thank ah pang, siew wen, ah kee, alan fong, chee teng, thain hock, teck boon, boon leong, and all my high school friends.
i also want to thank chai ei, alan go, wei shen, elaine, bik ee, ming jing, yien san, and all my ppktj friends.
my family, i don't think my words nor peoms can express how happy i am to have you all to call my family... including shiro that is...
i want to thank teng sion ing too...

for the things that you all have done my eyes stream tears now, when my sorrow was more than i could handle, i always had you all to share it with...

for in my every tear, is a reflection of one of you,
for in my every smile, is a picture of one of you,
for my every effort, is an offering to each of you,
for my every fight, is a prayer to each of you.
as without sands the deserts aren't.
as without water the seas aren't,
as without you all i am not...

'sometimes we forget who is most important to us when they are with us...'