exams... the dreaded exams...

4th year is one god-damn bitter pill to swallow down. i've been having 4 reports a week on average and the worst part is i'm starting to not understand some stuff that the teachers are s=trying to teach. well, i don't think i'm the only one that is facing that problem. the fact of the matter is there is too much of information to munch through and on top of that, there is virtually no time for revision (at least for me) to tackle all the homework and other stuff i am doing. the exams are just around the corner (in another 10 days?) and i am so not prepared for the 14 subjects... god help me please :P
hahaha, getting through tough spots are my specialty, so don't worry about me. recently nothing much happened, malas want to upload the photos of sii lee's birthday here since he is already doing in face book hahaha... i'm so evil. until the exams finish i don't think i'll actually update on anything interesting... sorry and ta-ta...

just some random thoughts...

In life, do you ever feel that you've reached your limit and you don't want to try anymore? it's had to grasp on to the thing you want most and you feel lost. i don't know why but i feel like i am at this crossroad right now, and i'm having trouble picking out the road i want.
recently, about a month ago, after i came back here, i started to realize that i have so many things wrong in me, and i'm slowly trying my best to change, and because of that, i'm facing a lot of hurdles. hurdles, if you were supposed to jump over them, you would do it naturally, but if you are forcing yourself, then there is this unknown force that keeps you from jumping higher up past these hurdles.
ya, i know i'm talking crap, but what i mean to say is, when you set your own targets, it seems so much more harder to reach them, but when others set you a target, it seems that much easier to reach it. and, i started realizing why, because only you know how far you can go, and you will push yourself, further and further, because you know your limits.
yesterday i was about to give up all my plans, and just let myself slip into free fall. but i guess i have to go further than that, since i have nothing to lose. i wish i had my vigor from before, i wish i can turn back time.

i know i can't,
that's why i try,
to find a finer,
to be a better,

not always easily solved,
but always arising easily,
problems are there unending,
your prerogative to end,

find a shining light,
in the darkest corner,
find your way home,
even if you're lost...

cycling competition???

i don't know why the japanese people here like to put competition behind everything here. the cycling competition is held every year, but it isn't a competition, it's just us and our tutor riding our bicycles up to a spot for a barbecue. yup, that is the main point, BBQ!!! and suddenly this year, the teachers decided to cancel the BBQ for some planetarium visit, without even asking us. wei jian, my senior, decide he was not going to go with it, and after asking me to tag along with him, we went and 'discussed' it with our teachers.

teacher: it might rain this weekend so we think that eating the box lunches are the best choice.
me:... if it is so... (sad face) (look at wei jian)
wei jian: (even sadder face) teacher, this is our last time, we all have been looking forward to this event for so long...
teacher: (pitying us) let me ask around...
we: thank you!!!

well, the actually conversation was for about an hour, but the main point is we made ourselves look pathetic and the teachers fell for it. hehehe...
well we had the BBQ in the end without any cycling, and they ended up naming it the BBQ competition...
well, we had a lot of fun. and we got to know the tutors better, and here are a few photos of the event...
cooking the food
the food
the juniors tutors and us
me pushing sii lee of a cliff...
group photo

mother's day...

just read somebody's blog and he wrote about mothers day and how one of his friend's mom just passed away recently. is it just me or do japanese not celebrate today? well, i have been doing a lot of thinking recently.
one of my thoughts, well is about my mom... i remember so well the times i relied on her for every single thing i needed. they (my family) sent me a few pictures of them and me together last year, so i wouldn't miss them. in one pic, i was sleeping on her lap, and she and i were both smiling. i really, clearly, crisply remember that feeling, the feeling that even when the world crumbles around me, they and she will always shield me. at that time, i was having a difficult break up with my girlfriend(?). and mom knew every inch of pain that i felt, and that made me stronger, for her i'll live and break through anything, that's what i always say to myself when i come to a high wall.
and for this past year, i feel like i'm reaching out but there is nothing to grasp or hold on to, because, she isn't here with me and neither are they. i think i've become more better looking, more intelligent and all, but, i still feel this gaping hole in my heart, that i've nothing. i have very little solace here except my seniors and juniors, which i really thank. i feel very empty these days, wonder if the people around me realize that... i miss my family too much i guess...
i've done a lot of growing in this past three years, change from a brat to a man, started viewing life differently. but like my mom always used to tell me when she was pampering me, 'no matter how much you grow up, you'll always be my little baby', guess that even though i ain't so little anymore, i'm still her baby...

at dawn,
wake to her smile,
listen to her chatter,
eat her love filled meal...

at dusk,
my hand she holds,
my way she guides,
always showing the right way,

if i had a world to trade,
i'll still have nothing to compare to your love,
but if i had a few words to give you,
i'd say i love you again and again...

my mom, i wonder when i can eat her food again, wonder when i can listen to her stories again, and i wonder when i can lay down on her lap again. and smile like everything is good, and nothing else matters, even if for just that few minutes...

golden week, to vie and tire...

it was a tiring week for me, and i don't think i'm gonna get any rest for the next few weeks too either. basically since our seniors took us to golden week last year, i guessed we had no other choice but to take our juniors to tokyo too, and i thought it was going to be boring...
but i have never been any more wrong than that in my life, to see my batchmates again, i think i'd travel up and down at least another ten times. i felt like crying everyday i woke up during that 4 days because i knew we were a step closer from separating again. i nearly cried so many times, but i guess i was to 'manly' to cry... i don't want to drag my emotions on cause i think many people already think i'm too emo... but i want to say this, i really miss all of you my friends... i love you all...
and to my batchmates that read this, i want to say one thing, i enjoyed our hokkaido trip, a lot. there was a few parts that i didn't like, but obviously that happens when you travel and you are tired. some kohais said i said that i didn't like the trip, the truth is that they asked me how was hokkaido and i said this, 'the time we went was a little bit wrong, some flowers, fruits and foods where not in season and we couldn't see them.' i hope none of you get the wrong idea.