I never thought it would endure this long...

I never believed that I would stand here, and question myself this much. It has been nearly four years since I left the inner demon that terrorized me. I know I've talked about it again and again, but these wounds never seemed to have healed.
I felt that she would be with me until the end of time, never knew what love was, still don't know what it is.

In a foreign land, I give the reason that no one understands me to escape my consciousness, but it sounds more and more like an excuse instead of reason. And I find myself in front of a dark ocean, hearing the waves slow crawl onto the shore, finally understanding that it was me who was mistaken, wrong to try to understand others before I could understand myself. Wrong to mask myself and say that others will never see beyond my skin.

Once I thought I found love. At that time, I use to listen to Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars like I am now,

‘I don't know where, confused about how as well, just know that these things will never change for us at all...'

I remember holding her and dreaming that my dreams, dreams that felt so real, yet surreal in reality, all of it were coming through to me, but as beautiful as clear crystal glass is, it breaks as explosive as it's beauty.

I realized after all this time that I was used, guilty that I couldn't give back what I had taken, guilty that I could not make it up the guy who was going to be with her, guilty that I knew I was being used but just kept on enjoying it.
But like my dad told me, I wasn't unlucky to have lost her, she was ; and she wasn't lucky to lose me, I was.

I still feel after 4 years of not talking to her, she hasn't changed, still the person she was and will always be. I realized now how she used her parents, her sister, her boyfriend as shields, always hiding. And I realize the lies she said then and now, I bet she still hasn't come clean to her current boyfriend about everything.

Like I said before, I'm wrong to judge her, and will always be I guess, I hope she changes and she becomes the better person God meant her to be. I guess I was obsessive about her, but now, I finally feel I can move on, finally feel that wound is stitched and mended.

If she has six sense, I hope she can hear these words, thanks for the memories, thanks for the smiles and laughs that I had with you, because after all this time, those are the only things I really remember about us and I guess that is the only thing that mattered.

Goodbye my youth and naivety ... Goodbye my guilt of you... Goodbye...

A different me?

After like nearly 3 years I'm writing this post, wondering if anyone still remembers this place that I once thought would be the only living link between my friends and me. But I neglected, ignored everything because I felt that there were things bigger in this world than you or me. And on this lonely night where I find my self alone, finding for solace in lost memories and forgotten dreams, i feel more lost than a cloud in a storm.

This is going to go on and on, ramblings of a lost mind if you care to say. If you plan to read and understand these words of mind, you better have enough time.

It has been nearly two years since I last saw or even contacted any of my high school friends and other friends that I made along to the way to the place which I sit now. Most of them might even think I am dead, and I never will blame them, because it is my fault for cutting all our ties. I neither regret nor deny any of the accusations that fall and are to fall upon me.

It had been about three years ago when this nagging thought came into my mind, what if the world were to end, where would I stand? Between the towering feats of men of bygones and the catastrophes that are about to concur, will there be a future for those who desire it? I wanted to embark on a journey to find truth, to find the meaning that coverts us, that hides from us, that at some point we just forget.

Giving up everything bit by bit, I was foolish enough to think that i would find the answer. Forgetting my past, forgetting my present, forgetting my future, forgetting everything that would tie me down to the fate of a layman. Yet I couldn't find one happy moment that I could appreciate. Except for my family who has supported me for so long, I can't think of other happy thoughts. The friends I gave up to find the better good, why do I miss them so much?

Last year, two of the many catastrophes to come happened right in front of me, and a realization beyond anything crippled me. I changed and I know it. The importance of the people around me, and those who have been around me, I can never repay the favors you have done me, and I can never forgive myself for trying to forget you. I don't know who writing any of this can change anything, but on this cold, dark night, I fear that my thought can never reach you, and maybe it never will, but I find some solace in this.