of being alone...

is there anything wrong with being lonely? i was always lonely, avoided people and always was by myself through out my life until one day, a girl made me change... she made me feel lonely in those nights i waited for her, she made me vague about the choices i made, and i felt so god damn lonely when she left me half dead bleeding because i hurt myself so much to just show her how it feels to be hurt... but she never realized other's people's pain until the very end because... well she was just too stubborn to realize that, it's just her jolly good self... crap, i steered away from the topic... when i finally reached this place, i was trying so hard to find a place for myself, so that everyone would love me, so that everyone will pay attention to me... about a few days ago, i realized, that, it was i who changed in the end because of her... hahaha, stupid right... and my wounds are finally healed, cause i don't hate her anymore, i just think i made a mistake because maybe both of us didn't know when to stop, we were just too immature i guess, exactly like what both our sisters said about us... it's time for me to become who i am and always was, the demon who does an angels work, i go around quiet well pulling off this job. i finally feel the loneliness she took away from me, the loneliness that i want so i can seal my heart once more... i realized that, i'm not lonely, my sister is getting engaged soon, and i always used to think that i wouldn't want to even go to it, but now, when i can't, i cried, my sister is so far away, my family, my heart that i left with them... i'm lonely cause i want to be this way, i want to be by myself so i can hurt nobody but can help everybody... i realized that i always felt lonely when those people i helped forgot me, but i never felt it, cause i was stronger than that, i had my strength in God and all... i feel so weird right now, i bet all these feelings and all, she already forgot so so long ago, and i think i should start forgetting everything too... today is a bright day... and i know tomorrow will be brighter... i really hope she does well in life, and i hope that i can continue mine too... i feel quiet happy today even though i think i'm boiling here... you know that the weather forecast over here reads like? 'today's temperature: 29 degrees, feels like 35 degrees...' that's because the moisture levels here are high... sigh... i thought it'd be cold here... my seniors here are the best, they take care of me a lot and most of them seem like my brothers (and sister, didn't forget you wan ying!) instead of friends, it's taking time for me to find myself, and i know a lot of other people are having the same problem as me... many of my friends gave up so much to be with the girls they loved, but it always turned out tragic, we feel that this lonely feeling will never leave us... but i know now... it's alright to feel lonely... cause no matter how alone i feel, there will always be the people who love me thinking of me... don't forget that...
this smile isn't fake, and with it i realize i'll never be lonely anymore... (eating zhong zhi with seniors and Alan...)


P.S. to my dear sister, i'm so sorry i can't come to your engagement... send me lots of pictures!!!