Thinking of you...

looking back every time,
i see you there,
you were always there,
in my darkest hours,
in my brightest days,
always with a smile,
never frowning at me,
my every simple whim,
was happiness to you,
i miss you so,
and i realize now,
the depth of love,
cause my love is,
forever and ever now,
i know now that,
you are my everything,
and there is nothing,
in this small world,
i'd exchange you with...

thinking of you...

thinking of you here,
calamity in my calmness,
terror in my tranquility,
sickness in my soul...
all this means nothing,
for cure is you,
and you are here,
always in my heart...
nothing is more important,
than your warm hands,
than you soothing words,
than your smiling face...

you are my family and my friends, i miss you all, and i can't wait to see you all again in malaysia, hope this one month flies by, so i can be with you all again.
dedicated to my mother, i know it stinks >.< since i wrote it spontaneously, but i got my feelings out, so i don't care... hehehe

emotion...

wait!!! before you read this, i'm gonna warn you that is totally crap and you will not like it if you are not an emotional type of person... please read only if you have time to waste...

you've been warned...

ever felt like you give yourself away in parts? i don't know if anyone realizes it yet, but i often make presents and write poems with the power i have, often spending hours and hours, i know it often looks and sounds childish, but no one has ever asked me why i do it still... the truth is i feel like i'm giving a part of myself away, and i feel when a person who loves me comes along, she'd realize it too and love me back... i've gone over this process a million times, giving every girl i liked (even if just a bit...) a present of some kind... but so far, seriously no one understood it's significance, until now that is. a girl gave me back a postcard with her drawing on it, and a shy letter (considering the fact she is a tomboy-type girl). and for once in my life my heart started to race, and i felt happy, i felt that i could relate to her feelings and she could mine...
but just when things started to go my way, i backed away, i felt lacking, i felt that i wasn't good enough, she wasn't the prettiest girl with the pettiest wishes but... i don't know, i just let her go. and i realized all my life i've been like this, i try my best not to get close to the people i love, cause i know, that when you are close enough, you are close enough to hurt them. i knew that for a fact when i got tangled with a girl last year, i won't lie and say i don't miss her at all, but i hope she is happy without me. the reason i've been able to let go is because the other people around me treasure me and take too good care of me, my family especially. i know no matter what happens to me, i'll always have a home to go back to, no matter the circumstances, and i've become a person that wants to care too, because everyone seems to take care of me, and i'm too afraid of hurting anybody anymore.
i rather she hate me now than love me, cause i know my love is lacking right now, i hope she does well. i hope i can always be her friend because i'd hate to lose her more than anything else right now,i know i sound stupid and most people are going to say, just tell her, what's the worst thing that could happen, well the worst thing that can happen is that we both could lose our friendship, which i rather not lose than confess my dumb feelings to her. seriously, anyhow, i'd find it hard for anyone let alone a japanese girl to every like me.
well, that's the end of the 'sad part'.
i know i tend to think too much, and i know that most people's advice is not to worry too much. the thing is i'm not worried at all, maybe not at all, but mostly i'm not worried. i don't mind being a little lonely at times, and to me, giving a bit of my happiness away is giving it to someone else to enjoy, which i still think is a good bargain. for this girl, she is going to work once she graduates from here, i actually think she should continue with her degree, but i don't know enough about her to ever be able to convince her that, that is my only regret since she is kind of smart to me. thinking of her smile and remembering how she laughs is a kind of relaxant to me, it makes me feel calm knowing that she is happy right now (remember i still don't believe that there is a person in this world that will like me for who i am). seeing her postcard, makes me realize that, it ain't to bad to be me and make others happy. and thanks to her, for now, i can still go on being me...

and to those people who read until here who are confused and don't understand anything that i said... i warned you... hahaha...

i love her handwriting, and could admire it for hours...
her picture, it may look stupid to most people, but to me, it depicts her perfectly

a year ends...

i was wanting to post this for so many weeks already, put never had the time nor heart to write it...
in one short year i feel i've grown so much that most people wouldn't recognize me anymore. i know i sound like i'm exaggerating but it's true, i found, lost then fond love again. i've come to know what existences are, what friends are for, what life is about. all my life i've tried to sacrifice myself so others can live happily, but in the last year, i learned that some people just want to see you die so they can live. i'm not proud to say it, but i learned how to be a bit more selfish. for once in my life, i really feel like living just for the fun of living. when i sit down now, i don't need to think much anymore, cause i know a lot more already.
to me, this year is my year of destiny, my time to change and move past the cocoon i was in and become a butterfly. this year, i'll be able to accept myself for who i am, and not what i'm supposed to be... since some people were complaining about how much words there are on this blog, i'll try to minimize it...i found new friends and people who love me for who i am, and i know they're missing me even right now, cause i miss them...i left my dear friends and family behind to start a new life, far from where and what i was, and full of uncertainty...my seniors weren't my seniors, they are more like my brothers and sisters, and i'm so blessed to have them here with me, wan ying, sii lee, wei jian, chiang shen and all, i really love you all... and thanks for everything and all things to come...met my old friends and felt their importance to me... found new ways to waste money...started to realize i still can have fun even though there were things in my past that can't be corrected...
found people who i like and like me for being me...saw snow for the first time...
.
.
.
.
.
like a wild flower, sometimes there are weeds around us that we can't do anything about, but we still bloom, for because only we know and can show others how beautiful we are...
let's have a great new year to come... wish peace will come, cause like the saying goes, the night is darkest just before dawn, let us pray that evil will die from our hearts and our Gods gives us peace... live and let live...