speech contest???

i was just sitting down and just day-dreaming reminding myself that i should update my blog and stuff... just when i decided not too, i read an e-mail sent to me by a friend about various scams to rob, rape, and even ravage a person... i meant murder when i said ravage if you didn't get it... i was just thinking is money or material wealth so important to people now that we would even forsake the lives of others just to get the things we want? i sometimes ask God why he made flesh so weak in the midst of lust and luxury... politics, gangsterism, terrorism, religion, faith, beliefs and so many other things nowadays are used as tools to garner money instead of it's original purposes... and i wonder why, why do people do this...

a terrorist who kills innocent people because people rather buy a coke then the local cola? funny isn't it, this is terrorism these days... i remember a time where people trusted the people they chose to lead them, people followed a person because of the greatness of that person... what has become to these people now? we follow the lead of old men who only think of the benefits they will reap from these people who trust them... funny isn't it, this is what our politics have become... a person kills a little girl that was laughing happily with her mother, when the weeping mother asks him why did he kill her daughter, he answers coldly, 'because she didn't smile at me...' funny isn't it, that is how invaluable a life has become now...

in our rapid changing world, people view differently what is needs and luxury... having a 40 inch wide screen television set with surround sound seems more important then taking care of our mothers. believe me, that i maybe young but i've seen the terrible things humans are capable of, but i'm not saying i've seen everything either, but trust me when i say that nowadays priorities are lost in a vast land of where fame and luxury rules over famine and suffering. if given a chance to wish for something, who many people here would wish for peace over money? i don't believe that even half would, because that's just the way we have become...

sometime i feel like a hypocrite myself and most of you all would think so too... i wonder what i can do to change too, not the world, but myself... it would take a greater mind than mine to think of ways to change the world, i find it amusing that what so little change we do in our lives can change the lives of so many others and yet we fail to do so in so many cases. think, saving a little water, saving a little electricity, donating a little bit to charity, praying a bit more to God, all of this can affect and change this world even if not a bit. people might think that this small change might not affect anything at all, but how wrong these people are we should realize now. there is a proverb in my country, 'sedikit, sedikit, lama-lama jadi bukit...' those who know this proverb might be laughing at me right now because this proverb is what we learnt during our kindergarten years. it literally means, a little by a little eventually becomes a mountain, meaning that no effort is too small. we are human beings, when you think of it, we are one of Gods most sophisticated creatures. just moving one of my finger here is the work of millions of cells, electric pulses, muscles and so much more.

what we leave in this world when we leave it is a memory of ourselves in those people who think we made a differnces in their lives. we leave not a trail of money or fame in our deaths, just memories that people will cherish or despise. so it is up to you to chose between the two, you may think now it is an easy choice, but those who have seen the other side of the moon know, not always doing the right thing is right... prove me wrong, prove to me that we are not as bad and terrible as i have said... i'd be happy if you do so... thank you for listening to my speech here...

he's everything you want....

the words in this songs to me mean a lot and i realized this when i was way back in high school... this song totally rocks... you should listen to it if you have never heard it before...

"Everything You Want"
by vertical horizon

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

[Chorus]

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

haunting...

you know, i have three test left, am almost done studying for the two tests i have tomorrow... yes i know it's already midnight here and i'm supposed to sleep now... but well i can't help myself... i went to my tutors room just now, and the talk went from physics to the upcoming sports fest we are going to hold for autumn, one of my classmates who is going to play basketball with me was so cold towards me it almost felt like he was talking bad things about me once i left the room... but the thing is he ain't it's just that i'm getting paranoid... don't understand why but i can't trust anyone of these japanese people yet, and at times like these i wonder if i'll ever get around and trust them ever... since coming here i realized i've changed a lot, i've lost my inspiration to study suddenly and i've also lost my trust in people a lot, i'm always having thoughts that they are plotting against me, even my own friends... i never was like this back in malaysia, i always trusted who i called my friends 100 percent, can't understand why i'm changing like this...
i don't want to really change, even though many people have told me before there is no such thing as complete trust and such... but that is what made me, me... my regard that if you trust someone with all your heart they'd never betray you... and now i stand here feeling that all that i believed in is fake... why why why... i really hate to also say that i don't have a reason for turning like this so suddenly... i'm scared of myself now and i'm wondering if i can stop this change... people worry about me at home i know, i was the guy they always babysat and took care of, and now i'm here without my shield... but realize this, i won't know how a blow feels until i take one... i need a slap right now...
i'm not going to pin my mediocre performance in my tests this time on all this things, but all i can say is i didn't do this right this time, and there is still next time, and i need to do better in the next round...
i'll play basketball with him and i hope i can become better friends with him from now on out, and... i promise you all, i won't change... i'll be me, the short tempered, irrational, stubborn, lazy, and lucky me always... i love you all, and i miss my home a lot now, i miss my friends a lot now...
i wish you all could see me now... i wish i could see you all now...
but... i know i am here for you all, and you all are there for me...
and... i'll be the same me when i see you all again next year...

memories...?

yesterday one of my super seniors (we call our seniors who are more than 2 years elder than us that) came back... coincidentally, he found my diary, and asked me if he could read it... i said yes and he read aloud the last page that i got shocked... was that even me... and then i guess due to my reaction, he stopped reading it. after he left, i read my diary once more, and i had gotten this smile on my face... so much time has passed away so fast that i don't know what to say anymore... what is written in it is what my heart felt at that specific moment or time when i started writing during my break-up period with my first love, you wouldn't believe how much spelling mistakes i made... what i did realize that, through out all those times, somebody was always with me...

i want to thank ah pang, siew wen, ah kee, alan fong, chee teng, thain hock, teck boon, boon leong, and all my high school friends.
i also want to thank chai ei, alan go, wei shen, elaine, bik ee, ming jing, yien san, and all my ppktj friends.
my family, i don't think my words nor peoms can express how happy i am to have you all to call my family... including shiro that is...
i want to thank teng sion ing too...

for the things that you all have done my eyes stream tears now, when my sorrow was more than i could handle, i always had you all to share it with...

for in my every tear, is a reflection of one of you,
for in my every smile, is a picture of one of you,
for my every effort, is an offering to each of you,
for my every fight, is a prayer to each of you.
as without sands the deserts aren't.
as without water the seas aren't,
as without you all i am not...

'sometimes we forget who is most important to us when they are with us...'

chaos in malaysia?

you know, i'm but a student... i'm in japan now, and people here who don't know much of our country say 'sugoi' or great, that our country is filled with so many races... i may not understand much about this and that about politics and all, but, why are we all so stupid? sometimes the azan prayers does wake me up in the morning earlier than i expected, but so? sometimes the bell of hindu temples wake up those sleeping as well... it's not a matter of the noise, it's like more of a matter of what time you slept...i don't remember a single time when it ever bothered us... so many of us nowadays are becoming corrupted by so many different things, greed for money, lust for fame, jealousy for pride... is it so hard to understand that everybody on the outside is waiting for our country to collapse so they can laugh at us? i don't understand why some people always take the easy way out of things, i always feel like when i pass through a new challenge i learn something new, and i hope one day i can use what i learned to better myself, my family and my country...

i don't expect any of the foreigners 'invading' our country to even try to better it... i'm an indian, and i have chinese and malay friends but not a single indian friend, where else can this be real if not for my country malaysia... i don't understand the things happening in our country at all, it looks as though everyone is trying to undo all that we have worked for these 51 years... i really don't see why our politicians are fighting over so trivial things when there are still children going without food and begging on the streets... i feel disgusted that so many of us nowadays point fingers at each others faults but cover up our own using the name of race and religion. one uncle of mine when questioned about his religion answered 'my religion is not important for as long as i do good, Shiva, Allah, Jesus and all the other Gods will grant me good fate' and i hold that words very close to my heart. what good is it to say that you of this religion if you sin everyday? realize that nobody but us can help our country move forward... i write here for i feel that our country has hit a wall that halts our progress forward. since i was small, i used to dream when we sang 'Wawasan 2020' during our school assembly in a chinese school mind you, that our country had cool and crazy building scattered every where and we would all be using flying cars like in those western movies. are we really going to be able to reach our goals if we can't even join hands? when asked what nationality i am, i have never failed to answer malaysian, because i am proud to be one. yet when i was in malaysia, the answer were always like 'aku melayu', 'aku cina', 'aku india'... i don't see why people still can't understand that we don't hail from 3 countries, we are only one and all those people who still use those answers should learn the fact we are called Malaysians!!! no chinese from china or indian from india resemble indians and chinese from malaysia other than in looks.

i do understand that earning more money nowadays is important, but is it more important than your country and your own pride? i feel that in recent years, more and more of our younger generation has come to realize the walls that keep us separated are called hypocrisy. the older generation to me looks like it's trying it's best to strengthen these walls, why, i shall not say, because they seem more like my hypothesizes than truth. for me, it looks like it's time to break these walls, hold our hands together and walk towards our future hand in hand... Malaysians, i tell you this now as a 20 old year Government scholarship recipient studying in Japan and as a Malaysian, everybody is waiting for us to trip and fall face first into the dirt, i don't want it to happen and i'll do my best and study and bring home my knowledge to help my country when i am done here, but will you all do your part so there is still a Malaysia for me to come back to?

it's raining yet again...

recently i've been writing a lot of rock and pop songs or poems or whatever you want to call them... i thought i would write one slow one inspired by this slow long rain that seems like it's stopping the blazing fire in my soul from burning me to ashes...

it's raining yet again
it's raining, as i wake up and rub my eyes,
i see you next to me, stealing my covers as you snuggle up to me,
your eyes are closed yet you stare at me with a sheepish smile,
as i stroke your hair, i wonder what i'd do without you,
as this cold morning shower drowns my sorrows,

i wake up, i leave you sleeping,
i try to make some coffee but i end up staring out,
into those gloomy skies, where i can only see so little,
then i see a bird, in it's nest, cuddling it's children,
and my heart grows warmer as i wonder if i can protect my child so,
but the thought breaks as you creep up from behind to hug me...

it's raining yet again, i may never know the sun today,
but i have her hand in mine,
and i don't mind that it's so cold,
it's raining like yesterday, and i may not know the sun today,
but i have you here with me,
and i don't mind cause you're my everything...
yeah yeah yeah yeah.... you're my everything...

you smile at me as you read my thoughts,
you let me see through your glowing eyes,
and i wonder, why should i be so blessed,
to have you by me during this cold morning rain,
i wonder and i wonder on and on...

it's raining yet again, i may never know the sun today,
but i have her hand in mine,
and i don't mind that it's so cold,
it's raining like yesterday, and i may not know the sun today,
but i have you here with me,
and i don't mind cause you're my everything...
yeah yeah yeah yeah.... you're my everything...


she could be your family, she could be your friends, she could be your boyfriend, she could be your girlfriend, she could be your God, she could be a complete stranger, but she knows you for who you are and no matter what your day seems like in the end, you have her...
if i ever learned anything in life,
'to be loved, first understand yourself, give out all the love you have no matter how painful it gets, and in time, it'll return to you'
people are at their worst nowadays, selfishness, greed and all kinds of famine have struck our world... most people don't believe or just have forgotten, that life is more beautiful than just all those material things, and starting just by yourself, does make a difference...

change our world before we have not a world left...

random ramblings 2

well, my tests are starting next week yet i haven't studied one bit, but like i care... i'm sorry to say that this time i won't do as good as the last time cause i don't have my english subjects to pull up my average score again... and for the first time in my life i rather blog than go study... i wonder if it's only me, but do anyone of you ever wonder, i mean like think, if there is someone stealing glances at you... do they like you or do they feel totally weirded out by your presences? just that recently in the canteen, i get these glances over and over again from some people, i don't only mean girls, some guys too, i don't mean that they love me or such, just like in the sense that they want to become my friend or something? is it weird to feel that way? i guess so, without me realizing, i miss my home, my family, my friends so much already, but i know i'm here because i love them all, these things happening to me here, so much i can't comprehend or understand, but, you know, life always goes on, and i find myself enjoying my life more and more when i realize how short it is going to be... those glances won't last another month, but new things will come to overtake it, but for now, enjoy what you have, treasure it and live your life for the best not only the end...

I'm like you too
stealing glances from there,
i see your eyes,
but when i turn,
you hastily try turning away,

don't think i'm naive,
maybe i am different,
just touch my heart,
you'll feel the same beats,

my skin maybe darker,
my tone maybe lower,
but see me closer,
i have a heart too,

let me hold you,
i won't let go,
trust me you can,
i want to be friends,

the world maybe says,
that we're worlds apart,
but realize the truth,
that you'll always have me,

stop staring from afar,
feel my warmth closer,
and you will see,
i am just like you...

what's my reality?

i find it funny that just a few months ago, i couldn't stop loathing and hating so many other people just because i didn't have a girlfriend... seems so unreal to me right now that i used to be so trivial... today i felt like a kid again, the way i always was, i got jealous of a girl... because she got 100 in her test and i didn't... hahaha, when you are at a age, you just find it funny... right now, i don't know why, but out of the blue a few (ok la, 2 months) ago, i just decided that having a girlfriend is a too trivial thing for me to even spare a minute to think about. and because of that so small change i made in my life, i feel so much better... a lot of things nowadays, i do because i like, not to impress somebody, or to make someone else like me... hahaha, you know, it's just that i mean, every person that i've met so far, some my friends, some just people i met, it feels so weird to me now when the say, 'i need a girlfriend...' i think they are misguided even though i was like them, yes ,yes i'm still not actually on the 100 percent right track, but at least i know where i'm heading now... i used to be like this all the time, i didn't care about getting the best results or anything, i just usually sat down and put a target like, i'm gonna do better than this person, and always made sure the pressure never got to me. a few months ago all i could actually think about is i'm gonna fail! i'm gonna fail! which is so unlike me... i always knew that people who fail, are either just unlucky or didn't try at all... to me, i've never gone 100 percent all out in my studies, why some people would ask, or some would even jest by saying that i'm just making all of this up to make myself feel better cause i'm not smart... truth is, there are some (actually many) people out there who compare themselves to me... they give their 100 percent, working for something i think is useless, just like some people who learn so much of physics... but don't even know why you can't puncture a aerosol can... (i couldn't find a better example but you get the drift right...) i rather get an average score in my tests and be able to apply all of the knowledge i have compared to having knowledge and not knowing where to use it... tests are to me the most trivial things in this world that you can't take too seriously... i just wrote my mind out because i haven't got much people took talk crap like this too... hahaha...
i'm going in circles right? hahaha... i wrote a song today... just out of the blue came into my mind... it's would do well in the rock genre i think...

it isn't a lie... by me...
if there was a time i loved,
it wouldn't be now, cause i'm so lost,
and i wouldn't know if i loved you or not...
cause,
this mystical veil, fogs me within myself,
and i can't get out, can't get out to see,
if you are the one still waiting for me...

it isn't a lie, to say i'm not sure,
and i'm not denying there's a chance that i don't love you anymore,
for i can't say i'm sure,
since you just came back so suddenly,
so,
give me some time, let me make my choice,
and just maybe, i'll say 'i love you' again...

time flew by so fast when you just left,
so many good things happened when i was missing you,
i didn't have a clue, why you left me but i cried,
and now you stand here in front of me,
expect me to say 'yes' and move on with you,
isn't that just cruel?
isn't that just unfair?
that i'm supposed to take all this sh*t and put up with you again...

it isn't a lie to say i'm not sure,
i'm just unsure, since all this time you weren't here,
should you accept a person that left you once again... again... again...

it isn't a lie, to say i'm not sure,
and i'm not denying there's a chance that i don't love you anymore,
for i can't say i'm sure,
since you just came back so suddenly,
so,
give me some time, let me make my choice,
and just maybe, , just maybe, i'll say 'i love you' again...

petronas ads... and happy merdeka

petronas ads... does anybody not know about them? well i bet you all have seen it but this is my favourite one... this one is quite old but i like it la, the grandma is so cute, plus when she says the guys name 'sam', she actually pronounces it as 'chem chem' which to me (as an indian) is so totally funny. to the guys out there la, just imagine it la, you are talking to some hot girls and your grandma gives you vegetables to take home to your mom, i actually think the girls might think it's sweet and all, but how totally embarrassing....

seriously, petronas ads that come out every festive season is one thing i actually look forward to during any of our celebrations back home. the recent chinese new year one was one that moved me to tears, still going to cry even now, makes us realize and pushes us into the reality of how really gifted we are. the multi-racial element which we hold so close to our heart, i felt so much in this advertisement (even though it was for chinese new year). you know, the funniest part is that the boys name thiam hock is the same as my friends name from high school... hahaha... although their surnames are different.

this is the latest one they have for merdeka this year which is extremely touching too... times are fast changing and the world is waiting for no one, to me the thing this ad tells me is, at times, how hard you strive proves who you are, and when you are your wits ends, that's when you parents prove to you, you are their child...

i could write on and on, but the truth is, the ads hold their own meaning to each of us, some of us say 'that's so true...', some of us pity the characters, 'so pitiful la...' some of us... learn that, life is more than just about ourselves... so, you just think to yourself what it means to you...

happy merdeka, even if it's already a bit (ok la a day) too late, and thank you petronas for such meaningful advertisements (we know how much it costs you...) looking forward for the upcoming raya one too...