haunting...

you know, i have three test left, am almost done studying for the two tests i have tomorrow... yes i know it's already midnight here and i'm supposed to sleep now... but well i can't help myself... i went to my tutors room just now, and the talk went from physics to the upcoming sports fest we are going to hold for autumn, one of my classmates who is going to play basketball with me was so cold towards me it almost felt like he was talking bad things about me once i left the room... but the thing is he ain't it's just that i'm getting paranoid... don't understand why but i can't trust anyone of these japanese people yet, and at times like these i wonder if i'll ever get around and trust them ever... since coming here i realized i've changed a lot, i've lost my inspiration to study suddenly and i've also lost my trust in people a lot, i'm always having thoughts that they are plotting against me, even my own friends... i never was like this back in malaysia, i always trusted who i called my friends 100 percent, can't understand why i'm changing like this...
i don't want to really change, even though many people have told me before there is no such thing as complete trust and such... but that is what made me, me... my regard that if you trust someone with all your heart they'd never betray you... and now i stand here feeling that all that i believed in is fake... why why why... i really hate to also say that i don't have a reason for turning like this so suddenly... i'm scared of myself now and i'm wondering if i can stop this change... people worry about me at home i know, i was the guy they always babysat and took care of, and now i'm here without my shield... but realize this, i won't know how a blow feels until i take one... i need a slap right now...
i'm not going to pin my mediocre performance in my tests this time on all this things, but all i can say is i didn't do this right this time, and there is still next time, and i need to do better in the next round...
i'll play basketball with him and i hope i can become better friends with him from now on out, and... i promise you all, i won't change... i'll be me, the short tempered, irrational, stubborn, lazy, and lucky me always... i love you all, and i miss my home a lot now, i miss my friends a lot now...
i wish you all could see me now... i wish i could see you all now...
but... i know i am here for you all, and you all are there for me...
and... i'll be the same me when i see you all again next year...