what's my reality?

i find it funny that just a few months ago, i couldn't stop loathing and hating so many other people just because i didn't have a girlfriend... seems so unreal to me right now that i used to be so trivial... today i felt like a kid again, the way i always was, i got jealous of a girl... because she got 100 in her test and i didn't... hahaha, when you are at a age, you just find it funny... right now, i don't know why, but out of the blue a few (ok la, 2 months) ago, i just decided that having a girlfriend is a too trivial thing for me to even spare a minute to think about. and because of that so small change i made in my life, i feel so much better... a lot of things nowadays, i do because i like, not to impress somebody, or to make someone else like me... hahaha, you know, it's just that i mean, every person that i've met so far, some my friends, some just people i met, it feels so weird to me now when the say, 'i need a girlfriend...' i think they are misguided even though i was like them, yes ,yes i'm still not actually on the 100 percent right track, but at least i know where i'm heading now... i used to be like this all the time, i didn't care about getting the best results or anything, i just usually sat down and put a target like, i'm gonna do better than this person, and always made sure the pressure never got to me. a few months ago all i could actually think about is i'm gonna fail! i'm gonna fail! which is so unlike me... i always knew that people who fail, are either just unlucky or didn't try at all... to me, i've never gone 100 percent all out in my studies, why some people would ask, or some would even jest by saying that i'm just making all of this up to make myself feel better cause i'm not smart... truth is, there are some (actually many) people out there who compare themselves to me... they give their 100 percent, working for something i think is useless, just like some people who learn so much of physics... but don't even know why you can't puncture a aerosol can... (i couldn't find a better example but you get the drift right...) i rather get an average score in my tests and be able to apply all of the knowledge i have compared to having knowledge and not knowing where to use it... tests are to me the most trivial things in this world that you can't take too seriously... i just wrote my mind out because i haven't got much people took talk crap like this too... hahaha...
i'm going in circles right? hahaha... i wrote a song today... just out of the blue came into my mind... it's would do well in the rock genre i think...

it isn't a lie... by me...
if there was a time i loved,
it wouldn't be now, cause i'm so lost,
and i wouldn't know if i loved you or not...
cause,
this mystical veil, fogs me within myself,
and i can't get out, can't get out to see,
if you are the one still waiting for me...

it isn't a lie, to say i'm not sure,
and i'm not denying there's a chance that i don't love you anymore,
for i can't say i'm sure,
since you just came back so suddenly,
so,
give me some time, let me make my choice,
and just maybe, i'll say 'i love you' again...

time flew by so fast when you just left,
so many good things happened when i was missing you,
i didn't have a clue, why you left me but i cried,
and now you stand here in front of me,
expect me to say 'yes' and move on with you,
isn't that just cruel?
isn't that just unfair?
that i'm supposed to take all this sh*t and put up with you again...

it isn't a lie to say i'm not sure,
i'm just unsure, since all this time you weren't here,
should you accept a person that left you once again... again... again...

it isn't a lie, to say i'm not sure,
and i'm not denying there's a chance that i don't love you anymore,
for i can't say i'm sure,
since you just came back so suddenly,
so,
give me some time, let me make my choice,
and just maybe, , just maybe, i'll say 'i love you' again...