days when i knew my what my smile meant...

it has been like how long since we have came here? going to be 3 months? to me it seems more like 3 years... time is sure moving by slowly... i'm waiting for our summer vacation, but it seems like it's never going to come... i have tonnes of assignments, technical drawings, essays for newsletters, a test on wednesday, and hell i feel like i'm so alone here... i bet most of my friends and the people i love feel the same too, it's like you don't realize time is slipping by you and that each second that slips behind you is a second that you will never relive, time is priceless cause you can't get it back no matter what you do. at times i feel this world is consuming me and that i'm going to disappear between all those lost words and lost thoughts, i'm over flowing with my own emotion and the emotion which people pour into me. i want to bring them into my arms, yet, i feel so scared, and every time i pull back, i lose another second that i won't regain... i feel like running away from all this responsibility, and be back with my family and friends who protected and shielded me from all this over powering emotions...
me an my cobra friends, chai ei reminded me of those times in his blog...
some of my high school friends that i'll never forget...
we realize only too late that the ones we hurt were the ones we love most, and the ones we try to protect our best sometimes are the people who are bringing us down. in my life, i feel i have sacrifice nothing to get where i am now, but where i am now is the work of all the people around me, my family, my friends, that's why i believe that my dreams are too important to be lost in time, because it is the dreams of a thousand people who entrusted me with them... that's why i don't mind waking up after being shoved to the ground a million times, because i'm not going to let all those people who love me down, never will i do that...
'time takes away so much, yet only with so much taken do we realize how fragile and lost we are... life is simple but if you stared harder at it...'

osaka, not enough time...

2 random pictures taken in the train station
don't i look cute?

the best before and after picture i have seen in a long time....
----------------------------------------------before-------------------------------------

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
----------------------------------------------after-------------------------------------


hahaha, we slept overnight in a karaoke, actually i slept overnight in the karaoke, the rest were busy singing... i'll get back to that later...
we traveled to osaka by train, it take two train changes and around 2 hours to get there from our kosen. but we always have our trusty gadgets to keep us busy until we get there...when we reached it was a little to late to get our hands on buffet lunches, so we settled for thai food instead. hey, i didn't order hailam chicken rice.... oii waiter!!!but however hailam chicken rice tasted so good we all ended up deciding to come back the next day for the buffet lunch... we then headed out into nanba which is basically like petaling street but substitute the stalls for nice shops... i had a great time shopping, i wished wan ying had followed us, she would have stopped me from buying more things.... hahaha... (we shopped too long) then we had dinner which was a buffet style thing which made us all quite full... then we split up into alan and mior and the rest of us, the two headed to the hotel to sleep and the rest of us (ah lee, wei jian, chiang shen and me) went to the karaoke... i sang a few songs before i fainted... but the others continued to sing until daybreak, that's the before after picture you all saw... then we slept here and there and got chased form here to there... was embarrassing and at the same time funny... we had lunch as planned at the thai restaurant and then headed back to kosen... quite normal trip this time... cause we just didn't have enough time to do other stuff... but the only thing i didn't like about this trip is this weird doll that everyone kept taking pictures with... it just had a weird way it would look at you like it was going to kill you.. . crap, i'm getting scared just thinking about it...

tales of a clover...

(image courtesy of japanwindow.com by Andy Gray)

isn't it weird? our world? the four leaf clover like most know is actually deformed, yet most of us in this world love it so much. however, when it comes to people, i don't think we would think the same. i feel somewhat disgusted by myself that how i could once treasure things like four leaf clovers, but not feel the same for the same type of people. it's not that i hated them or despised them, it's that i could never see their beauty until a few years back when i still was in the St. John Ambulance brigade.a few of us were waiting for a bus to go back to school. we had just attended a class on how to take care of disabled and special people during emergencies in the St. John Ambulance HQ. i was feeling sorry and showing a little too much sympathy for those people, sympathy they didn't ask or need. my friend pointed out to me a bunch of three leaf clovers growing on the side walk, and said he wished he had a four leaf clover.
i laughed but he didn't, he said to me:
"i wished i had one because no one can see the beauty in those special people, but i bet that clover can, cause it is just like them..."
i never felt stupider in my life. with all my knowledge in science and this and that, how could i miss such a big resemblance. that's why, i don't feel pity for those people anymore, i feel pity for those who can't see how special those people are, like a friend (wan ying) once repeated to me recently, they are gifts from God to us. nowadays, when i help a special person, i only feel like i found another four leaf clover in my life... see things differently, only we can change our world...

it's saturday, but still a school day...

these past few days... 'normal days' have begun again, it's like hell, think of waking up at seven after sleeping at around two, then going to school until 4, start badminton practice at 430, then eat at 630, bath at 7 then try to rest but you can't because you have a tonne of homework... start drawing this and that in the end you finish around 11 and then you watch a movie you wanted to watch for so long... you end up sleeping at two again... and the best part you find out you have class on saturday because the parents are visiting to see their children study... damn i feel like i'm not going to make it at times, but thank god, it's saturday and i'm still walking...

i stole a line from takacha's ame ni mo, kaze ni mo song...
Kaze ni fukarete ame ni utarete------ being blown by wind, being hit by rain
Demo aruite ikeru kara--------------- but i still move on
Jibun no tame ni jiyuu no tame ni---- for myself, for freedom
Demo mazu kimi no tame ni------------ but most importantly for you
Kaze ni fukarete ame ni utarete------ being blown by wind, being hit by rain
Demo aruite ikeru kara--------------- but i still move on
Jibun no tame ni jiyuu no tame ni---- for myself, for freedom
Demo mazu hito no tame ni------------ but most importantly for others...

makes me feel happy to think some other people think like me too, we always get back up, sometimes for ourselves, but mostly for the people who love us, am i wrong? i, i would rather lay flat down dead on the floor if no one cared for me... recently i got back my test results, i did quite well i think, but i guess that's because my course for now is still in it's 'infancy...' and it's still easy... for those who tried their best and didn't get the results they expected, for god's sake, it's the first time, you have like another 20-30 times to prove yourself... so everyone, don't worry, we all sometimes screw up, even at the most important times, but that's what's special about being a human, being a person, being someone...

anyway, today, half the day is over for me, i look more like a special shop item in school today. it looks like i'm a mascot for the school, all the parents are lighting up like light bulbs when they see me... well, i guess that can't be helped, right? i feel special at times, and i think i should respect that fact and not take advantage of it... tomorrow i'm going to Osaka, hopefully, and i want to get some things for summer (like a fan) and for god sake, this place is starting to burn up, it's near the sea, isn't it supposed to not have a big temperature difference? i have no pictures to put up this time... sorry... when i come back from Osaka, i promise to put up a lot of pictures!

my mothers present to me...

Desiderata
Max Ehrmann (1872-1945), American poet and dramatist

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant:
They, too, have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter:
For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble:
It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs:
For the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is:
Many persons strive for high ideals:
And everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love:
For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and stars:
You have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be careful. Strive to be happy...

i'm already 20... (cry cry)

my birthday was yesterday, i actually felt sad that not many people wished me here, but the truth is i don't know their birthdays either, i feel a bit like a hypocrite cause, i was thinking that if no one knew it would be better, since no one would celebrate it which means less hassle. however, in the end, when it did end up like how i wanted it to be, i felt a little bit lonely i guess. that was about japanese people, as far as malaysians go, those who needed to remember, remembered. so i'm not that frustrated. we had a bicycle trip to a 'nearby' waterfall. as in nearby i mean, nearly 19 km by bicycle.. i was unlucky at the same time lucky... i got hit by a softball a day before the event during P.E. . it hit me in the eye, cracking my spectacles (a part of my eye socket too... just kidding) so basically with my sight down to 0... they banned me from cycling... the doctor... yes i had to go to a doctor to check my eye cause they all were so afraid i was going to die... the doctor, refused to prescribe me a new pair of spectacles because according to him, my eye was not fine yet and it would be slightly of if he prescribed glasses for me then... so, he decided to let me suffer until this Wednesday, without spectacles. about the baseball incident, i was playing catch ball with my pal when he threw a long ball, then mr.over-confident caught half the ball and let the other half hit his face... like what i said on the field when he asked me if i was ok... '目は大丈夫、けど、精神的に痛い。。。’ (my eye is fine, but my pride is hurt...) everyone who came to see me started laughing... for god sake, it was so embarrassing to get hit by a ball during catch ball... well back to the cycling story... so everyone got on a bike and started pedaling... except me because i was confined to a car... well i did have fun talking the person in-charge of foreign students, miss nonomura... haih, i was so jealous of all of them... well until about the half way line everyone was so tired that they had to change... i couldn't help but force my way to a bike... hehehe... nonomura was freaking out... well my eyesight was pretty bad... but who cares if i have fun? hahahaha well i continued cycling until we reached our destination... we set up a barbecue pit and barbecued some chicken, fish, sweet potato, clams, hot dogs and etc. there was also sushi, when the crab sticks finished, everyone was making some kind of weird mix sushi(like adding a hot dog to it). we had watermelon in the end, two of our year five seniors went a little bit crazy and got into the stream (god knows how they entered)... one of our teachers saw that and couldn't resist... he led us to a nearby waterfall and all hell broke lose... all the guys were in the water in 20 seconds (all in their underwear... no one brought spare clothes) poor wan ying and nonomura cause they had to see most of our butts...Then we cycled back. i only cycled half way this time because i was worried about getting burnt by the sun, it was around 2pm at the time. when we reached back it was around 4... i played some basketball and later slept early because i was so totally wasted...
me in car... sad sad...
me outside car waiting to swap places with someone... hehehe (resting on top of a tough climb)
wan ying couldn't wait to eat the sushi...
nonomura starting the barbecuehot dog 手巻き寿司 (hand-rolled sushi)my teacher cutting the watermelonme and my half-tutor relishing the juiciness of the watermelons...two of them in the stream, chiang shen banned me from showing his 'nude photo' to the world...posing in front of the waterfall(girls, please close eyes)well then for today, i pretty much strained my eyes to write this post, so i'm treating myself to some pudding!!!

exams... exams... the dreadful exams...

it's exam week for me and i'll sit for my last two papers tomorrow, but they are quite tough, so it's another all-niter with a possibility of zero sleep (again)... i admit i waste a lot of time during 'daylight hours' but if i didn't i wouldn't be gane right? well in preparation for a long night, one essential thing is coffee to me, but since one cup is just never going to cut it, i've decided to use a bowl and make four cups into one... tadaa!!! it's diturbing right? hehehe
well i have to go study before my tutor comes to check on me and see i'm not studying ( again!!! XD ) well until after the exams!!!

memories...

you know, how you'd like to forget some things in the past that tends to kill you every time you think of it? i don't know why, but every time i try my best to forget it, it just that it catches up to me

when i held on, it asked me to leave...
when i let go, it finds me again...
when i said hello, it said goodbye...
when i said goodbye, it comes after me...

that feeling that a past that wants you so badly it doesn't mind destroying you if it doesn't have you back. my memories all feel like a blur to me nowadays, those painful memories repeat themselves over and over again.

an undying cycle that leaves you obliterated...

at one time not too long ago i loved somebody with all my heart, i gave her everything i had even though she made me suffer so much. she often told me that she was the one suffering and i listened loyally not knowing it was i who was bleeding to death in front of all those who loved me. wasn't she the one who kissed me first? wasn't she the one who said she needed me even though she already had a boyfriend? how did her parents suddenly come to hate me? how did her sister come to suddenly hate me? i never blamed anybody but i always knew it was because she was turning everyone i knew around me against me.

the same time you need something, the same time you keep that thing away from others...

i never complained to her once, i never told her that i have never had my dreams shattered before me, but she showed me how, how to break a persons will until they have no more moves left, until they are stuck at your feet...

i thought i could change her, but i only ended up changing myself so much...

you know whats the best part? when i finally gave her up, she came back to me, and asked me why i left her helpless... it's like asking the person you stabbed 50 times why you aren't helping them with their shoelace... i really wish i could forget everything, but i can't and i know i won't... all the lies she said, all the promises i kept for her, all the times she cried on my shoulder, all the times i cried alone for her...

tears can only drop,
wounds can only bleed,
but her every word,
causes eternities of hurt...

you know, it gets lonely when you had someone you cared about, it gets cold when you don't have to shield anybody from that same cold. i don't wish it hadn't happened cause some of my fondest memories are from there, but i wish it'd leave me alone, cause i don't want to remember it anymore... i just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head (but there is still so many that are stuck in my head that i just can't say out!!!)... this post feels more like a hate mail than a post... but with everything that's happening around me, i feel that i should be more true to myself and try harder to get over these hurdles... still in my exam week, so i hope with my consciences clear i'll be able to do well in my exams...

限界を超える (passing your limits)...

what's rain? i always believed that rain falls when people are sad... teardrops from heaven..
.
.
.
.
.
it's really raining quiet heavily outside, people around me are too busy to realize how lonely i've gotten, but don't blame them, it's my fault for not telling them. i just miss home suddenly, i miss amma (mom), i miss appa (dad - mr.rainoo, hehehe), i miss akka, anna, and mayu too (sis, bro and lil bro). i miss my friends who used to drag me out at night to have fun. i miss so many people that i feel so trodden. i miss those voices that i often thought were noisy, i miss the people who used to sms me who i always thought were pestering me. people were complaining about how fake the japanese people are towards us, but i can't help but feeling that it's me who is fake. they are so many kind people around me that i wish i could run away so often, why do these people have to care for me? i always believed in one thing, that i wouldn't become a burden to others... i feel terrible that i am becoming one now and that everyone has to take care of me...
.
.
.
.
.
so i ran away... i rode my bicycle towards the south... as far as my legs could take me, and i ended up getting wet so badly and the veins in my legs i could feel were ready to snap at any moment... and as i was giving up pedaling along with so many other things, my hopes seemed so vague and all i wanted was to fall... as i was stopping slowly, there was this japanese lady standing in front of her house, i look at her, she looks back ,smiles, and utters 'きれいだね。。。(its beautiful right?..)’. for a moment i was puzzled, but when i looked at the sky in front of me, i smiled too... (i wish i took my camera, i could only get a rotten picture with my camera phone) the sky was split, half dark half bright and in the middle was my first (i think) rainbow in japan... when i turned back to acknowledge the lady, she was gone... leaving me in front of an ocean of endless tears and with beauty that surpasses everything... this is why i hate God, because he never lets me give up...

never ending streams stream,
never faltering steps stumble,
i still wonder why,
why the floor's slippery,
why am i falling,

as i fall slowly,
i reach out slowly,
time passes so slowly,
your hand reaches slowly,

reaching out to you,
feeling that i'll live,
because i have you,
as i catch your hand, the sun breaks the clouds again...

suddenly felt very emotional and wanted to write something... but (wtf) my poems are starting to stink (or have they always been like that?), i promise i'll write better posts after the exams...

休憩時間 10分

this song is actually not that nice i guess... it's by saeka uura... the title is "ten minute break"... it's starts with her shout benkyoou kirai! (i hate studying) and how true that is... i really hate studying for now... it seems no matter how hard i do... i screw up some how... (well, well, i'm exaggerating again, i just can't handle 1 out of 8 actually)... then she says "sin, cos, tangen, what the hell is that for..." it's quite funny to me, i really feel that many japanese people actually act the way she says in real life too... at last she says "koi shitai, kareshi hoshi..." i want to love, and i want a boyfriend... i want a girlfriend too... so jealous looking at all the guys here with their girlfriends... :'-(
the lyrics if you all are interested
10-Minute Break
Vocals: Uura Saeka
Lyrics: Uura Saeka
Composition: Inaba Koshi
Arrangement: Hayama Takeshi

I hate studying, I love chatting
sin cos tan…
Ah, what in the world are those for?
Aren’t they tough? Teacher!
I always regret before a test; that’s my high school life

During a 10-minute break time, I want to do various things
Even though class is over, in front of me
The people who ask questions “do it often”

If only I had a mirror, then I’d feel calm
“My make-up is perfect, my eyes are bright”
Hey, if you look back, there’s a girl with curled hair

I hate studying, I like P.E. somewhat
Basketball, volleyball, and tennis- Huh? An endurance run today
Say it ain’t so, teacher!
My fat shows up and I don’t want muscular pain
I’m such a blossoming high school girl

A 10-minute break ends in a split second
Even if the chime rings, I don’t mind
In infinite foolish talk, “I want a boyfriend.”

If only I had spare time during class
I’d go full-out at text messaging with amazing concentration
I get irritated when replies are slow, looking at the clock

I can’t do tests, I doodle on the back
Hereditary, recombination, DNA…
I don’t even know H well enough
Can I rest for a while? Teacher
My pimples increase during test season; that is youth life

It’s not that I’m not thinking of anything
I don’t know what I should do
It’s not that I don’t want to do anything
The chime hurries everyone along again

I want to fall in love, I want money, too
It’s common to punch away at a cash register and hold a part-time job at a family restaurant
Please give me a ‘Correct’ mark on my life
I can’t enter shifts during test season
I’m such an honest person

During a 10-minute break, I’ll diligently draw
The map of the future


Kyuukei Jikan Juppun
Vocals: Uura Saeka

Benkyou kirai o-shaberi daisuki
Sain kosain tanjento…
Aa ittai nan no tame?
Muzukashii desho sensei!
Tesuto mae ni itsumo koukai sonna koukou seikatsu

Kyuukei jikan juppun iron na koto shitaku naru
Jugyou owatteru no ni mae de
Shitsumonsuru hito “yoku yaru wa”

Kagami sae areba anshin
“Meiku bacchiri, o-meme pacchiri”
Hora furikaereba kami o maiteru ko mo iru shi

Benkyou kirai taiiku wa maamaa suki
Basuke baree ni tenisu e? Kyou wa jikyuusou
Sorya nai desho sensei!
Abura uku shi kinnikutsuu wa iya
Sonna hana no joshi kousei desu

Kyuukei jikan juppun a tto iu ma ni owacchau
Chaimu ga natte mo ki ni shinai
Mugen no bakabanashi “kareshi hoshii.”

Hima sae areba jugyouchuu mo
Meeru ni zenryoku sugoi shuuchuuryoku
Henji ga osokute iraira tokei o mitsumeru

Tesuto dekinai ura ni wa rakugaki
Iden kumikae DNA…
H mo roku ni shirimasen
Chotto yasumeba? Sensei
Tesuto kikan wa nikibi ga fueru sonna seishun seikatsu

Nani mo kangaetenai wake ja nai
Nani o sureba ii ka wakannai
Nani mo shitaku nai wake ja nai
Chaimu ga mata minna o sekasu

Koi mo shitai o-kane mo sorya hoshii
Reji uchi ando famiresu baito kakemochi atarimae
Jinsei ni wa maru o choudai
Tesuto kikan wa shifuto irenai
Sonna richigi na atashi desu

Kyuukei jikan juppun mirai no chizu o
Sesse to kakou

being big... literally...

once, a 'famous' senpai told me, "people fear you not becuase you are 'black' but because you are just too big..." (randy told me that, hehehe he's facing the same problem so i bet he knows...) today chiang shen (my 5th year senior here) let us participate in the donation drive for the chinese earthquake... i dressed as smartly as i could, and made up my hair as least frightening as it could be... we took turns between holding the banner and the collection boxes... the thing is, quite a few people stopped to look at me and donated. a few even shook hands with me. my spirits were about it's soaring height when the worst thing that could happen happened... a small girl (about 4 years old), her mother gave her a few coins and directed her to me... she walked backwards away, like how a sacred animal would, and went to sii lii on the opposite side to give the money... well i didn't take it to heart... but (sob sob) i'm still too big right?
about the design competition, i'm taking part in this years design competition. we have to work on two types of bridges, one is a normal type of bridge, and one is that can support weight at different angles. the angle one we haven't started yet, but the normal one, we already tested them once. we have to decide if we are going to use the truss version or the arch version... so we are currently making both to see which one will be stronger... oh... the catch is... we have to make it out of 1mm and 2mm thick paper (cardboard)... i'm not good with paper, so i'm doing most of the design and planning work that i can...
the arch version
the truss version