memories...

you know, how you'd like to forget some things in the past that tends to kill you every time you think of it? i don't know why, but every time i try my best to forget it, it just that it catches up to me

when i held on, it asked me to leave...
when i let go, it finds me again...
when i said hello, it said goodbye...
when i said goodbye, it comes after me...

that feeling that a past that wants you so badly it doesn't mind destroying you if it doesn't have you back. my memories all feel like a blur to me nowadays, those painful memories repeat themselves over and over again.

an undying cycle that leaves you obliterated...

at one time not too long ago i loved somebody with all my heart, i gave her everything i had even though she made me suffer so much. she often told me that she was the one suffering and i listened loyally not knowing it was i who was bleeding to death in front of all those who loved me. wasn't she the one who kissed me first? wasn't she the one who said she needed me even though she already had a boyfriend? how did her parents suddenly come to hate me? how did her sister come to suddenly hate me? i never blamed anybody but i always knew it was because she was turning everyone i knew around me against me.

the same time you need something, the same time you keep that thing away from others...

i never complained to her once, i never told her that i have never had my dreams shattered before me, but she showed me how, how to break a persons will until they have no more moves left, until they are stuck at your feet...

i thought i could change her, but i only ended up changing myself so much...

you know whats the best part? when i finally gave her up, she came back to me, and asked me why i left her helpless... it's like asking the person you stabbed 50 times why you aren't helping them with their shoelace... i really wish i could forget everything, but i can't and i know i won't... all the lies she said, all the promises i kept for her, all the times she cried on my shoulder, all the times i cried alone for her...

tears can only drop,
wounds can only bleed,
but her every word,
causes eternities of hurt...

you know, it gets lonely when you had someone you cared about, it gets cold when you don't have to shield anybody from that same cold. i don't wish it hadn't happened cause some of my fondest memories are from there, but i wish it'd leave me alone, cause i don't want to remember it anymore... i just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head (but there is still so many that are stuck in my head that i just can't say out!!!)... this post feels more like a hate mail than a post... but with everything that's happening around me, i feel that i should be more true to myself and try harder to get over these hurdles... still in my exam week, so i hope with my consciences clear i'll be able to do well in my exams...