hmm... what have i been up to?

most of my readers would have already abandoned me... sorry la... malas want to update la got nothing to talk about also...
well mostly is wasting my money... *sigh* don't know when i'll be able to save money hahaha... i got my hair done into corn rows... when i got time i'll post the pictures up for you all to see, the thing about this hairstyle is, it hurts, it itches, it gets in the way, but it's cool. i couldn't stand it and i took it out today, because the fact that my scalp was itching like mad was like it was giving me a signal, 'if you don't take it off, we are going to come off...' hahaha, i learned my lesson and i'm not ever going to waste my money and do something so wild again. but it was fun for when it lasted. going to head to osaka now, going to spend Christmas in USJ. and before i forget,

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

well, i'm still all alone... not! hahaha, Mr. Hii and Mr. Wong will be accompanying me, so i guess it won't be too bad cause i got this two great 'brothers' to take care of me. you know, i seem to be falling in love with a girl again, but the thing that is different about this time is, i can't exactly put my finger on it, but i feel so happy just looking at her smile, and for the first time in my life, i can accept her as a friend rather than ignore her and do all kinds of childish stuff... guess i'm growing up already... hahaha, not planning on chasing her, but i really hope she starts chasing me, but can't expect much from a Japanese chick can i?
after osaka, we are going to go to nagaoka for our ski trip. so i won't be here for another two weeks.

anyways i got this email, about the economy in Zimbabwe which i think is funny and at the same time saddening, well, think for yourselves...

header of email...


What the real crisis is like!
If you think that the current economic crisis is something that has never happened in history before, you may be wrong! After the collapse of the agriculture sector in Zimbabwe in 2000, the inflation in that country skyrocketed to 231 million percent a year! Just think about it - 231 000 000%! Unemployment went up to 80% and a third of country's population left it.

What can you buy with it? Well, these 3 eggs for example.

is what we have with us never enough?

some people say, if only i had this...
i feel kind of worried when i read the 'papers' (the online version) these days. well, with all kind of political stuff that i can barely comprehend happening i wonder if people stop to ever smell the flowers by the roadside. in our community nowadays, people tend to have tunnel vision, you know what is tunnel vision? tunnel vision is a saying used in horse racing where the horse has restricted vision and can only see what is front of it, by not being able to see what there is on both sides, the horse has only one goal, forward. nowadays people fix eye covers so that their horses have tunnel vision too. get the idea? we ain't horses... when we move too fast, we start forgetting, we start forgetting what is important.
truly i believe people nowadays would rather save a tonne of money then spend it with friends and family. i wonder if money is taking over us, all we see nowadays is money, and i feel stupid when i do the same too. i'm not implying that i'm greater than anyone, but i'm asking you to realize that, we are losing our values, ourselves. just a few weeks back, someone told me thank you, and i smiled and said it's nothing. but she stared back at me and said, ‘優しくしてくれて、ありがとう．．．’or thanks for caring about me. all i did was cook her dinner, since she always only eats rice balls everyday, i thought making her dinner one day would make her happy and i made her some simple fried rice, her smile i will never forget, because her smile was one of gratefulness, and i ask you, have you seen that recently? people seem to move too fast around me, why doesn't anyone want to just look up at the stars and wonder which one is bigger, why doesn't anyone want to just scream out into the sea and laugh out loud? why doesn't anyone want to realize that the best joy you can find in life is finding that hidden happiness in people's eyes?
maybe i'm just mad and i'm stupid, but that makes me me, i want to live my life without believing the lies people tell me, i don't want to be bound to the ground and drag the chains that shackle me... i want to be the way i am, free... what i have to me is enough, an almost clear conscience, so before you think of saving the world, save yourself first...
peace la... just wanted to write out my thoughts... hehehe

Another boring day...?

hmm... nothing much happened today... just another ordinary day... nothing interesting to talk about... just like so many days have passed here... i call it boredom... went to the 'beach' by myself... i call it beach cause there is a little bit of sand, but others call it i don't know what... started throwing rocks into the sea. matched my own record and bounced one 6 times. many people don't know how to make a rock 'jump' on water... i remember when my dad taught me that, if i'm not mistaken when i was around 6 or 7 years old. he took a rock and flung it into the water yet it didn't sink it jumped... at that time, i as so amazed and tried to do it eagerly... i remember picking up a rock and throwing it and it sank immediately with a big 'plop' sound. and i remember staring at my dad, with my 'why' written all over my face, i remember at that time i was kinda fat, not kinda i guess, just really fat, and people used to pinch my cheeks and say how cute i was... (good memories good memories...) my dad looked at me and said, 'find a flat rock, and throw it as close to the surface as you can...' with a few nods, i tried again and again under my dad's watch. and when i finally did manage to make it jump twice, i was so happy... life then seems so much like a distant memory. throwing rocks nowadays makes me think of physics, of how when the diagonal movement of the rock and a large surface area makes the rock seem to jump because it could not overcome the surface tension of water. yes, there is a stupid badly drawn diagram of how it happens in my head now. but it ain't all that bad, when i first jumped the rock twice, i was so happy and i remember my dad smile too. we weren't always the luckiest family back then and i remember how hard my parents tried to make us happy with whatever little we had. my mom never failed to cook and feed me a meal i loved everyday even though it was so much trouble to her (till today, i still love the way she smiles when she feeds me), cleaned my clothes and did so much that it is hard for me to mention. my dad, i remember he used to work so much yet he always made time for my sister, my brother and i when he came back no matter how tired he was. i even remember a time when he photocopied a book on origami and kept the 3 of us occupied for what i guess was a month. i use to wait for him to come back to show him my badly folded planes and all. i don't know why, but i'm glad that i have my parents, and i often wonder why people say things like 'if i was born into a richer family' in awe and honesty, because to me, i will only be me, when i have my parents and my 3 siblings with me. one last thing, i read somewhere today that the greatest blessing for parents is a child, i disagree...
'my greatest blessing is my parents...'
i miss you all a lot, and i love you all a lot...

wait... why am i getting so lazy these days...

a handphone strap is that cute thing that japanese people put around their handphone like this...
normally all i need was half an alarm clock to wake me up about 3 months ago, i mean half an alarm clock by the fact that i used to wake up earlier than the clock and switch it off before it rang. yet nowadays, after setting 5 different times on my hp alarm system... i wake up to see my phone on the floor and the time way past when i was supposed to wake up (apparently i'm becoming cold towards my pitiful phone). recently a lot of work is coming to an end and i'm trying to take a break for the sake of my body i guess. people think i'm gonna have a lonely Christmas this year cause?
a. i don't have a girlfreind
b. not many malaysians will still be around during that time
japanese people think it's a, and all the rest of everybody thinks it's b.
truth is nobody is right, well maybe i will miss the fact that nobody is going to drink sparkling grape juice with me, but, the truth is i am not lonely. like randy said, i guess starting to feel lonely and sad at times is part of us growing up. the truth is these days, i find it much easier to be myself around japanese people and i really don't care if they are going to accept the things i do or not. recently a classmate of mine was talking to me, and she started telling me about how her parents want to see me because of the stories she told them about me, (one was when i mistakenly said a japanese slang word that she was teaching me and she started laughing at me, and i said to her i'll never teach her english again, and we both started laughing uncontrollably,it might not sound funny i guess but the situation we were in was quite funny, you have to see it to believe me.) and i realized if i was putting up a front, none of that would have actually happened. so, i guess, i'm going to start trying harder to be myself and not complain so much anymore... anyways test will start from 9th to 12th of december plus my design competition will be on the 14th, wish us luck!!!

sadness...

before i start blogging again about serious stuff, i just wanted to write my feelings out... cause i got no where else to complain hahaha...

think, if you from small were always with people who were different from you, no one ever shows you kindness and you try to fit in so hard you have become a sponge, absorbing everything around you just for people to say that you are one of them. don't get me wrong and think that i'm blaming the people around me, i wouldn't be who i am without them, all of you who read this have changed my life, from my kindergarten years to now, i remember clearly the things i did that have changed me. it's hard to describe my feelings these few days, it has been ups and downs over and over i'm not sure if i'm stepping on glass shards or soft cotton anymore... everyone around me cared about me and many who are still around me still do...
but as i take every step into this wide world, i see that people are not all as good as the people i've met, people will hate you no matter how good you try to be. no matter how much good you do, it sometimes can't please people. and i wonder why i try so hard to be the best i can, even though i know people are just waiting for me to stumble. and i wonder why i try my best yet again.
recently, i lost my favourite handphone starp, and i wanted to cry, because sometimes i find it hard to trust the people around me here, and my handphone starp was my best friend at times, and when i lost her, i lost a lot of the remaining hope i had in myself. i searched and searched, but i couldn't find her, i couldn't, with tears going to roll down from my eyes, i spent the rest of my day in school, and no one knew how sad i was... no one, and it made me feel lonelier and lost more than ever. and, when i came back to my room, when i was about to fall in my bed and sleep, i found her, and the next thing that caught my eye was the Statue of God that i have in my room. He seemed liked he was smiling at me, and tears did roll down my eyes.
For everything in life is fragile, for the My God is not just a statue, He's a sign of hope, my sign of my fate. and we should realize that within every stumble, we find our footing again. we are never alone, for our God, our Hope, ourselves, is always with us, and i realized, i can give up on so many things in life, but the Hope inside of me, will never give up on me...

For within ourselves lies Hope,
For within ourselves lies faith,
For within ourselves lies God,

We move for ourselves,
We pray for ourselves,
We love for ourselves,

we are ourselves and;
for what we do,
changes everything around us,

nothing other than i,
nothing more than i,
nothing else but i.

the weight of our burdens is set on how we view this world, and i'm learning to live for myself, because like someone recently told me:
'if you think living for others, and thinking that sacrificing yourself for others is going to make them happy, you are wrong.'

no updates...

my internet connection in my room has been severed due to some legal mumbo jumbo and i won't have internet for another two weeks, meaning updating my blog is going to be difficult (i already took a long break already) but no choice... sorry... and will start updating as soon as i get my internet connection back...

friday morning rain...

friday morning rain is pouring,
steal some futons share some blankets,
clouds are shrouding me in moments i want to forget,
i twist to hid from my tutor,
but he tries so hard that i have to wake up now,
and i'd rather gladly stay in my bed and sleep some more,
if i knew class was going to make me sleep anyway,
if i knew class was going to make me sleep anyway...

i don't know about other people... but...

the scientific equation,

morning rain + darkness + a big comfortable futon + me = sleep

why do these people love to wake me up when it rains? i swear i'll bite the next person who wakes me up when it rains... can't we make it a public holiday if it rains in the morning? and after i drag myself to class, the teacher starts talking, and all i can hear is, '今日の授業はとてもつまらないので、寝てもかまへん' (today's classes are going to be very boring, it's alright to sleep) for god sake, the teachers here, some are so terrible... one guy, when i was copying his unreadable notes and listening to his unreasonable explanations... i was giving my hundred percent to try to understand him, then all of a sudden blank.... when i woke up, my notebook had a big mark on it, it seemed that i fainted from trying to hard to understand him, and the pencil i was using and writing notes with got dragged when i fainted and made a big big big awful line on my book... today when the weather is so good for sleeping, i don't thing i'd last more then 5 minutes in his class... well anyways... i'll try my best....

when someone's wish comes true...

if you people haven't realized it yet, what i write is always my pure thoughts, and music is one thing that can really express my feelings without me busting into some long illogical explanation as why i find my life trivial and such... the thing is... what do we live for?
i live to become a hero, a person that will save people from their final failings... but here is the irony, for my wish to become true, are the people around me supposed to be helpless and be unable to live without me? i just realized something big a few weeks ago, at least to me, what we wish for often doesn't come true because not everyone can get what they want... sounds stupid and you were going to say, 'i knew that!' but think again, for you to get into a university, someone else fails, for you to earn 1000 dollars more, someone earns 1000 dollars less.
everyone's wishes doesn't come true at the same time...

utada hikaru - darekano negai ga kanou koro
(when someone's wish comes true)
小さなことで大事なものを失った
冷たい指輪が私に光ってみせた
「今さえあればいい」と言ったけど　そうじゃなかった
あなたへ続くドアが音も無く消えた

あなたの幸せ願うほど　わがままが増えてくよ
それでもあなたを引き止めたい　いつだってそう
誰かの願いが叶うころ　あの子が泣いてるよ
そのまま扉の音は鳴らない

みんなに必要とされる君を癒せるたった一人に
なりたくて少し我慢し過ぎたな

自分の幸せ願うこと　わがままではないでしょ
それならあなたを抱き寄せたい　できるだけぎゅっと
私の涙が乾くころ　あの子が泣いてるよ
このまま僕らの地面は乾かない

あなたの幸せ願うほど　わがままが増えてくよ
あなたは私を引き止めない　いつだってそう
誰かの願いが叶うころ　あの子が泣いてるよ
みんなの願いは同時には叶わない

小さな地球が回るほど　優しさが身に付くよ
もうー度あなたを抱き締めたい　できるだけそっと

I've lost something important because of small things
The cold ring showed its glimmer to me
I said, "All I need is today," but that wasn't the case
The door to you vanished without a sound

The more I wish for your happiness, the more selfish I become
But still, I want you to stay, and I always did
When someone's wish comes true, she'll be crying
That way the door won't make a sound

I wanted to become the only one who can heal you, who is needed by everyone,
and I've endured it a little too much

To wish for own happiness is not selfish, right?
If that's so, I want to hold you as tight as I can
When my tears dry up, she'll be crying
That way, the ground under us won't dry up

The more I wish for your happiness, the more selfish I become
But you never hold me back, you never did
When someone's wish comes true, she'll be crying
Everyone's wishes can't be granted at once

As the small earth rotates, I learn to become more kind
I want to hug you once more, as soft as I can

what a busy life...

emm... let's see... solve this equation...
design competition (making paper bridges)
+foreign student speech contest (in school)
+english speech contest (in akashi kosen)
+sports festival
+kosen (college) festival#
= ???
= to me dying... what the hell? why am i so busy one ah? who ask me to join this and that, some more i not yet +badminton club lagi... god... help me... i pray this 2 months past by fast... so i can go and ski with wei shen during winter...
ok ok erhemm...
serious a bit...
well i got my self pretty messed up here... i shouldn't be in so many of these things... why can't i see the future?! give me some strength to see the future if you don't want to give me magneto's powers please!!!
ERHEM... still not serious enough... i'm still blabbering... sorry...
i hope i can do well in the speech contest when i represent my school, i've got this phobia called legs-shake-violently-on-stage phobia a.k.a. stage fright. at least a used to have it when i was younger, now i don't know maybe it has become better or maybe it has become will-faint-on-stage syndrome... anyhow... the design competition team looks like they are trying to win this year, but with the fact the only think within a box, and new ideas seem to be out of the question for them... which is making me quite sick... but must endure... Omm... Omm... i started meditating recently to relieve a lot of unwanted stress... not working though... it only leads me to eating mid-night snacks... which is why i'm so fat now TnT ... since doing the design contest thing also collides with my badminton practice, i can't go for it... sigh... wanted to become better... SIGH...
yoshi yoshi!!!
i've got to work hard from now on, this post is just an impulse... i really hope i wasted your time!!!

speech contest???

i was just sitting down and just day-dreaming reminding myself that i should update my blog and stuff... just when i decided not too, i read an e-mail sent to me by a friend about various scams to rob, rape, and even ravage a person... i meant murder when i said ravage if you didn't get it... i was just thinking is money or material wealth so important to people now that we would even forsake the lives of others just to get the things we want? i sometimes ask God why he made flesh so weak in the midst of lust and luxury... politics, gangsterism, terrorism, religion, faith, beliefs and so many other things nowadays are used as tools to garner money instead of it's original purposes... and i wonder why, why do people do this...

a terrorist who kills innocent people because people rather buy a coke then the local cola? funny isn't it, this is terrorism these days... i remember a time where people trusted the people they chose to lead them, people followed a person because of the greatness of that person... what has become to these people now? we follow the lead of old men who only think of the benefits they will reap from these people who trust them... funny isn't it, this is what our politics have become... a person kills a little girl that was laughing happily with her mother, when the weeping mother asks him why did he kill her daughter, he answers coldly, 'because she didn't smile at me...' funny isn't it, that is how invaluable a life has become now...

in our rapid changing world, people view differently what is needs and luxury... having a 40 inch wide screen television set with surround sound seems more important then taking care of our mothers. believe me, that i maybe young but i've seen the terrible things humans are capable of, but i'm not saying i've seen everything either, but trust me when i say that nowadays priorities are lost in a vast land of where fame and luxury rules over famine and suffering. if given a chance to wish for something, who many people here would wish for peace over money? i don't believe that even half would, because that's just the way we have become...

sometime i feel like a hypocrite myself and most of you all would think so too... i wonder what i can do to change too, not the world, but myself... it would take a greater mind than mine to think of ways to change the world, i find it amusing that what so little change we do in our lives can change the lives of so many others and yet we fail to do so in so many cases. think, saving a little water, saving a little electricity, donating a little bit to charity, praying a bit more to God, all of this can affect and change this world even if not a bit. people might think that this small change might not affect anything at all, but how wrong these people are we should realize now. there is a proverb in my country, 'sedikit, sedikit, lama-lama jadi bukit...' those who know this proverb might be laughing at me right now because this proverb is what we learnt during our kindergarten years. it literally means, a little by a little eventually becomes a mountain, meaning that no effort is too small. we are human beings, when you think of it, we are one of Gods most sophisticated creatures. just moving one of my finger here is the work of millions of cells, electric pulses, muscles and so much more.

what we leave in this world when we leave it is a memory of ourselves in those people who think we made a differnces in their lives. we leave not a trail of money or fame in our deaths, just memories that people will cherish or despise. so it is up to you to chose between the two, you may think now it is an easy choice, but those who have seen the other side of the moon know, not always doing the right thing is right... prove me wrong, prove to me that we are not as bad and terrible as i have said... i'd be happy if you do so... thank you for listening to my speech here...

he's everything you want....

the words in this songs to me mean a lot and i realized this when i was way back in high school... this song totally rocks... you should listen to it if you have never heard it before...

"Everything You Want"
by vertical horizon

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

[Chorus]

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

haunting...

you know, i have three test left, am almost done studying for the two tests i have tomorrow... yes i know it's already midnight here and i'm supposed to sleep now... but well i can't help myself... i went to my tutors room just now, and the talk went from physics to the upcoming sports fest we are going to hold for autumn, one of my classmates who is going to play basketball with me was so cold towards me it almost felt like he was talking bad things about me once i left the room... but the thing is he ain't it's just that i'm getting paranoid... don't understand why but i can't trust anyone of these japanese people yet, and at times like these i wonder if i'll ever get around and trust them ever... since coming here i realized i've changed a lot, i've lost my inspiration to study suddenly and i've also lost my trust in people a lot, i'm always having thoughts that they are plotting against me, even my own friends... i never was like this back in malaysia, i always trusted who i called my friends 100 percent, can't understand why i'm changing like this...
i don't want to really change, even though many people have told me before there is no such thing as complete trust and such... but that is what made me, me... my regard that if you trust someone with all your heart they'd never betray you... and now i stand here feeling that all that i believed in is fake... why why why... i really hate to also say that i don't have a reason for turning like this so suddenly... i'm scared of myself now and i'm wondering if i can stop this change... people worry about me at home i know, i was the guy they always babysat and took care of, and now i'm here without my shield... but realize this, i won't know how a blow feels until i take one... i need a slap right now...
i'm not going to pin my mediocre performance in my tests this time on all this things, but all i can say is i didn't do this right this time, and there is still next time, and i need to do better in the next round...
i'll play basketball with him and i hope i can become better friends with him from now on out, and... i promise you all, i won't change... i'll be me, the short tempered, irrational, stubborn, lazy, and lucky me always... i love you all, and i miss my home a lot now, i miss my friends a lot now...
i wish you all could see me now... i wish i could see you all now...
but... i know i am here for you all, and you all are there for me...
and... i'll be the same me when i see you all again next year...

memories...?

yesterday one of my super seniors (we call our seniors who are more than 2 years elder than us that) came back... coincidentally, he found my diary, and asked me if he could read it... i said yes and he read aloud the last page that i got shocked... was that even me... and then i guess due to my reaction, he stopped reading it. after he left, i read my diary once more, and i had gotten this smile on my face... so much time has passed away so fast that i don't know what to say anymore... what is written in it is what my heart felt at that specific moment or time when i started writing during my break-up period with my first love, you wouldn't believe how much spelling mistakes i made... what i did realize that, through out all those times, somebody was always with me...

i want to thank ah pang, siew wen, ah kee, alan fong, chee teng, thain hock, teck boon, boon leong, and all my high school friends.
i also want to thank chai ei, alan go, wei shen, elaine, bik ee, ming jing, yien san, and all my ppktj friends.
my family, i don't think my words nor peoms can express how happy i am to have you all to call my family... including shiro that is...
i want to thank teng sion ing too...

for the things that you all have done my eyes stream tears now, when my sorrow was more than i could handle, i always had you all to share it with...

for in my every tear, is a reflection of one of you,
for in my every smile, is a picture of one of you,
for my every effort, is an offering to each of you,
for my every fight, is a prayer to each of you.
as without sands the deserts aren't.
as without water the seas aren't,
as without you all i am not...

'sometimes we forget who is most important to us when they are with us...'

chaos in malaysia?

you know, i'm but a student... i'm in japan now, and people here who don't know much of our country say 'sugoi' or great, that our country is filled with so many races... i may not understand much about this and that about politics and all, but, why are we all so stupid? sometimes the azan prayers does wake me up in the morning earlier than i expected, but so? sometimes the bell of hindu temples wake up those sleeping as well... it's not a matter of the noise, it's like more of a matter of what time you slept...i don't remember a single time when it ever bothered us... so many of us nowadays are becoming corrupted by so many different things, greed for money, lust for fame, jealousy for pride... is it so hard to understand that everybody on the outside is waiting for our country to collapse so they can laugh at us? i don't understand why some people always take the easy way out of things, i always feel like when i pass through a new challenge i learn something new, and i hope one day i can use what i learned to better myself, my family and my country...

i don't expect any of the foreigners 'invading' our country to even try to better it... i'm an indian, and i have chinese and malay friends but not a single indian friend, where else can this be real if not for my country malaysia... i don't understand the things happening in our country at all, it looks as though everyone is trying to undo all that we have worked for these 51 years... i really don't see why our politicians are fighting over so trivial things when there are still children going without food and begging on the streets... i feel disgusted that so many of us nowadays point fingers at each others faults but cover up our own using the name of race and religion. one uncle of mine when questioned about his religion answered 'my religion is not important for as long as i do good, Shiva, Allah, Jesus and all the other Gods will grant me good fate' and i hold that words very close to my heart. what good is it to say that you of this religion if you sin everyday? realize that nobody but us can help our country move forward... i write here for i feel that our country has hit a wall that halts our progress forward. since i was small, i used to dream when we sang 'Wawasan 2020' during our school assembly in a chinese school mind you, that our country had cool and crazy building scattered every where and we would all be using flying cars like in those western movies. are we really going to be able to reach our goals if we can't even join hands? when asked what nationality i am, i have never failed to answer malaysian, because i am proud to be one. yet when i was in malaysia, the answer were always like 'aku melayu', 'aku cina', 'aku india'... i don't see why people still can't understand that we don't hail from 3 countries, we are only one and all those people who still use those answers should learn the fact we are called Malaysians!!! no chinese from china or indian from india resemble indians and chinese from malaysia other than in looks.

i do understand that earning more money nowadays is important, but is it more important than your country and your own pride? i feel that in recent years, more and more of our younger generation has come to realize the walls that keep us separated are called hypocrisy. the older generation to me looks like it's trying it's best to strengthen these walls, why, i shall not say, because they seem more like my hypothesizes than truth. for me, it looks like it's time to break these walls, hold our hands together and walk towards our future hand in hand... Malaysians, i tell you this now as a 20 old year Government scholarship recipient studying in Japan and as a Malaysian, everybody is waiting for us to trip and fall face first into the dirt, i don't want it to happen and i'll do my best and study and bring home my knowledge to help my country when i am done here, but will you all do your part so there is still a Malaysia for me to come back to?

it's raining yet again...

recently i've been writing a lot of rock and pop songs or poems or whatever you want to call them... i thought i would write one slow one inspired by this slow long rain that seems like it's stopping the blazing fire in my soul from burning me to ashes...

it's raining yet again
it's raining, as i wake up and rub my eyes,
i see you next to me, stealing my covers as you snuggle up to me,
your eyes are closed yet you stare at me with a sheepish smile,
as i stroke your hair, i wonder what i'd do without you,
as this cold morning shower drowns my sorrows,

i wake up, i leave you sleeping,
i try to make some coffee but i end up staring out,
into those gloomy skies, where i can only see so little,
then i see a bird, in it's nest, cuddling it's children,
and my heart grows warmer as i wonder if i can protect my child so,
but the thought breaks as you creep up from behind to hug me...

it's raining yet again, i may never know the sun today,
but i have her hand in mine,
and i don't mind that it's so cold,
it's raining like yesterday, and i may not know the sun today,
but i have you here with me,
and i don't mind cause you're my everything...
yeah yeah yeah yeah.... you're my everything...

you smile at me as you read my thoughts,
you let me see through your glowing eyes,
and i wonder, why should i be so blessed,
to have you by me during this cold morning rain,
i wonder and i wonder on and on...

it's raining yet again, i may never know the sun today,
but i have her hand in mine,
and i don't mind that it's so cold,
it's raining like yesterday, and i may not know the sun today,
but i have you here with me,
and i don't mind cause you're my everything...
yeah yeah yeah yeah.... you're my everything...


she could be your family, she could be your friends, she could be your boyfriend, she could be your girlfriend, she could be your God, she could be a complete stranger, but she knows you for who you are and no matter what your day seems like in the end, you have her...
if i ever learned anything in life,
'to be loved, first understand yourself, give out all the love you have no matter how painful it gets, and in time, it'll return to you'
people are at their worst nowadays, selfishness, greed and all kinds of famine have struck our world... most people don't believe or just have forgotten, that life is more beautiful than just all those material things, and starting just by yourself, does make a difference...

change our world before we have not a world left...

random ramblings 2

well, my tests are starting next week yet i haven't studied one bit, but like i care... i'm sorry to say that this time i won't do as good as the last time cause i don't have my english subjects to pull up my average score again... and for the first time in my life i rather blog than go study... i wonder if it's only me, but do anyone of you ever wonder, i mean like think, if there is someone stealing glances at you... do they like you or do they feel totally weirded out by your presences? just that recently in the canteen, i get these glances over and over again from some people, i don't only mean girls, some guys too, i don't mean that they love me or such, just like in the sense that they want to become my friend or something? is it weird to feel that way? i guess so, without me realizing, i miss my home, my family, my friends so much already, but i know i'm here because i love them all, these things happening to me here, so much i can't comprehend or understand, but, you know, life always goes on, and i find myself enjoying my life more and more when i realize how short it is going to be... those glances won't last another month, but new things will come to overtake it, but for now, enjoy what you have, treasure it and live your life for the best not only the end...

I'm like you too
stealing glances from there,
i see your eyes,
but when i turn,
you hastily try turning away,

don't think i'm naive,
maybe i am different,
just touch my heart,
you'll feel the same beats,

my skin maybe darker,
my tone maybe lower,
but see me closer,
i have a heart too,

let me hold you,
i won't let go,
trust me you can,
i want to be friends,

the world maybe says,
that we're worlds apart,
but realize the truth,
that you'll always have me,

stop staring from afar,
feel my warmth closer,
and you will see,
i am just like you...

what's my reality?

i find it funny that just a few months ago, i couldn't stop loathing and hating so many other people just because i didn't have a girlfriend... seems so unreal to me right now that i used to be so trivial... today i felt like a kid again, the way i always was, i got jealous of a girl... because she got 100 in her test and i didn't... hahaha, when you are at a age, you just find it funny... right now, i don't know why, but out of the blue a few (ok la, 2 months) ago, i just decided that having a girlfriend is a too trivial thing for me to even spare a minute to think about. and because of that so small change i made in my life, i feel so much better... a lot of things nowadays, i do because i like, not to impress somebody, or to make someone else like me... hahaha, you know, it's just that i mean, every person that i've met so far, some my friends, some just people i met, it feels so weird to me now when the say, 'i need a girlfriend...' i think they are misguided even though i was like them, yes ,yes i'm still not actually on the 100 percent right track, but at least i know where i'm heading now... i used to be like this all the time, i didn't care about getting the best results or anything, i just usually sat down and put a target like, i'm gonna do better than this person, and always made sure the pressure never got to me. a few months ago all i could actually think about is i'm gonna fail! i'm gonna fail! which is so unlike me... i always knew that people who fail, are either just unlucky or didn't try at all... to me, i've never gone 100 percent all out in my studies, why some people would ask, or some would even jest by saying that i'm just making all of this up to make myself feel better cause i'm not smart... truth is, there are some (actually many) people out there who compare themselves to me... they give their 100 percent, working for something i think is useless, just like some people who learn so much of physics... but don't even know why you can't puncture a aerosol can... (i couldn't find a better example but you get the drift right...) i rather get an average score in my tests and be able to apply all of the knowledge i have compared to having knowledge and not knowing where to use it... tests are to me the most trivial things in this world that you can't take too seriously... i just wrote my mind out because i haven't got much people took talk crap like this too... hahaha...
i'm going in circles right? hahaha... i wrote a song today... just out of the blue came into my mind... it's would do well in the rock genre i think...

it isn't a lie... by me...
if there was a time i loved,
it wouldn't be now, cause i'm so lost,
and i wouldn't know if i loved you or not...
cause,
this mystical veil, fogs me within myself,
and i can't get out, can't get out to see,
if you are the one still waiting for me...

it isn't a lie, to say i'm not sure,
and i'm not denying there's a chance that i don't love you anymore,
for i can't say i'm sure,
since you just came back so suddenly,
so,
give me some time, let me make my choice,
and just maybe, i'll say 'i love you' again...

time flew by so fast when you just left,
so many good things happened when i was missing you,
i didn't have a clue, why you left me but i cried,
and now you stand here in front of me,
expect me to say 'yes' and move on with you,
isn't that just cruel?
isn't that just unfair?
that i'm supposed to take all this sh*t and put up with you again...

it isn't a lie to say i'm not sure,
i'm just unsure, since all this time you weren't here,
should you accept a person that left you once again... again... again...

it isn't a lie, to say i'm not sure,
and i'm not denying there's a chance that i don't love you anymore,
for i can't say i'm sure,
since you just came back so suddenly,
so,
give me some time, let me make my choice,
and just maybe, , just maybe, i'll say 'i love you' again...

petronas ads... and happy merdeka

petronas ads... does anybody not know about them? well i bet you all have seen it but this is my favourite one... this one is quite old but i like it la, the grandma is so cute, plus when she says the guys name 'sam', she actually pronounces it as 'chem chem' which to me (as an indian) is so totally funny. to the guys out there la, just imagine it la, you are talking to some hot girls and your grandma gives you vegetables to take home to your mom, i actually think the girls might think it's sweet and all, but how totally embarrassing....

seriously, petronas ads that come out every festive season is one thing i actually look forward to during any of our celebrations back home. the recent chinese new year one was one that moved me to tears, still going to cry even now, makes us realize and pushes us into the reality of how really gifted we are. the multi-racial element which we hold so close to our heart, i felt so much in this advertisement (even though it was for chinese new year). you know, the funniest part is that the boys name thiam hock is the same as my friends name from high school... hahaha... although their surnames are different.

this is the latest one they have for merdeka this year which is extremely touching too... times are fast changing and the world is waiting for no one, to me the thing this ad tells me is, at times, how hard you strive proves who you are, and when you are your wits ends, that's when you parents prove to you, you are their child...

i could write on and on, but the truth is, the ads hold their own meaning to each of us, some of us say 'that's so true...', some of us pity the characters, 'so pitiful la...' some of us... learn that, life is more than just about ourselves... so, you just think to yourself what it means to you...

happy merdeka, even if it's already a bit (ok la a day) too late, and thank you petronas for such meaningful advertisements (we know how much it costs you...) looking forward for the upcoming raya one too...

super long blog!!! read only if you have time... vacation... written version and picture version

written version...
ok ok.. i admit, i've been avoiding doing this for the past 3,4 days... the malays would call it... 'malas'... hahaha
i'm gonna start with 1st of august, the day i left for tokyo, we (alan and i) used a ticket called sei syun 18 kippu, it's worth 11500 yen and its can be used for five days... it's like you go to the station, show it to one of the workers and they stamp that day's date onto it and you can get on any train you want as long as it's a local train (the one that stops at every station)... sounds fun right? it took us 13 hours
and gut wrenching heart stop action each of the 9 times we changed trains... for god sake... i was on the verge of killing someone at the end of it...
the victims...
6 packets of sandwiches
5 onigiri (rice balls)
2 bottles of coffee
3 bottles of tea
2 bottles of mineral water
1 Lai Chai Ei

chai ei came to shinjuku to meet us and spend the night with us even though he could have slept care-freely in his own room... he took us for some drinks and bought us boneless kfc fried chicken... we kept laughing at him cause he was carrying a kfc box which we thought had normal 'un'boneless chicken in it... but... i don't really know why... but we were laughing at this the whole night... we ended up staying in a place to read comic books, they give you a room and you get to read the available comics in the store... this happened mostly because the hotel i found using my phone was located in a prostitution district which mr lai had to search for us... hahaha...
i guess without lai that night, we two would have killed each other... tiredness...

the next day we took part in the ASEAN sports fest. there was ping pong and badminton which our seniors took part and represented malaysia... in badminton, indonesia were just too strong to beat while in ping pong malaysia won. i took part in basketball along with alan, kita-kyushu representative the greatest Hi-sa-mu-dinnnnnnnnnn... along with mr lai and nagaoka three point specialist wei shen... hehehe had tonnes of fun even though i never scored a single point. we had fun when we defeated our first challengers from thailand... our compatriots and seniors weren't so lucky when they met a strong Philippines team... our second match against another Philippines team... actually we would have won if not for a stupid referee (from the other team) who was siding the other team, or better to say against our team because they were scared of our team... in the end we lost our nerves, started missing shot when the referee gave the other team the advantage too many times... emotions ran high and we were all on the verge of a fight, but thank god the other team had a lot of good guys who calmed us down and gave us the best they could... well, we lost in the end although i thought we put up quite a good fight to the end...

emm... after that, james and bao cong (two of our seniors) took alan, chai ei, wei shen and me around shinjuku showing us various places... including bars where men host serve women who have to much of money... mostly old grannies... when i said serve i meant it, no funny stuff, just serve drinks and talk to you for the night...
(alan kept on shouting that those were gay bars... i couldn't help but laugh...) we spent our night this time in a internet cafe... oh, the thing is you could bathe in both the places just that the conversation between the staff and me went like this...
me: hi, i want to use the shower room...
staff: yes, but we have a few people waiting on our list, could you wait sir?
me: about how long is that gonna take?
staff: let me see (pulls out a list) there are 7 people on the list now, each will take 30 minutes plus the gentlemen who went in just now... that will be a 4-hour wait sir...
me: (gasp)...
staff: i think you'd not want be on the list then... (smirks...)

well, the following day we snuck into our friends dorm... well, since one look at me and you know i'm a foreigner here, they took heavy measures not to let me be seen...
1. not letting me use the front gate... (meaning that i had to climb the fence in and out everyday)
2. a two day curfew which i had to stay only in the room (the guarded the place even when i used the bathroom)
3. if i was seen, i was to kill the person who saw me and swallow the poison supplied to me...

well the last one was a joke, but i really felt like that through out my whole stay there, it was like if i was in a witness protection program and if i was seen the yakuza were going to assassinate me... however i had loads of fun here thanks to yeow keong (for smuggling me in), bao cong (for his 'wisdom' and jokes), and james (for his endless comedy plus great food and the best company one could ask for). chai ei... i don't need to thank him la... he knows i love him... hahaha... i really don't remember much what i did in kisarazu except eat sleep eat and sleep some more... emm... we did go to yokohama a popular tourist spot... but i don't think anything happened there worth writing about...

we left kisarazu after a week or so... this was the worst part of the journey to me... we took a bus from tokyo to sendai (6 hours) and then took around another eight trains (6 hours +) immediately after getting down from the bus to a place called morioka... then from there another two hour bus to aomori... god... it was like hell... runnnig here and there... waiting for this train that train, don't know where we are going to end up... stuffing your mouth with food you ate 2 minutes ago... no solid food at all...
the victims...
3 packets of sandwiches
6 onigiri (rice balls)
4 bottles of coffee
1 bottles of tea
2 bottles of mineral water

we spent a night in aomori... no we didn't visit any apple farms, we just spent a night there, did manage to see the apples they were selling which looked ridiculously big and was being sold dirt cheap... we spent the night in an ok hotel... the thing about aomori is... it's a city made for it's people to stay in, there is no places to visit or even go to after 9 in the town... so it was quite boring there...

we left the following day before the sun was up by train to hakodate and took and pass from there to sapporo,,, something funny happened on the bus though... alan sat behind a girl who was... from my point of view... 'flashing her beautiful long legs...' i said beautiful because her legs were really beautiful... not cause i'm a pervert k??? after around an hour on the bus... alan turns to me and says... 'can change place or not... i cannot tahan this girl liao...' ... hahaha it was quiet funny to me at least... then i changed places with alan and started playing my DS to forget about her... hehehe

we spent two nights in sapporo by ourselves before our battalion arrived... we stayed in a hotel again and spent our days looking around and trying various foods la... but i don't have a particular interest in catching photographs of food... so sorry ah... when our battalion was ready... we ventured to a lot of different places... this part i think let the pictures do the talking better... so from here on out is the...

picture version!!!
tiredness takes over, alan sleeping while messaging, me sleeping in the train...
kabukicho host clubs? or in alan's incorrect words 'Gay bars!!!'
asakusa...
i like yien san's pose in this photo...
alan being tortured... notice the shells on his... errr... chest...
elaine so cute...
at yokohama... some weird art thingy...
me catching yien san catching elaine
anticipating their caricatures...
the finished product, two very beautiful smiles...
akaren in yokohama too
an ad for the aomori art museum
few nice stations i had been to before i reached sapporo
a flying raccoon near the hotel we stayed at in a shopping street named raccoon street...
sapporo's clock tower... got la some history behind it... not planning on finding out though...
they were various statues scattered around hokkaido especially in sapporo, i like this one the best, HOPE...
my most artistic picture of the sapporo tv tower...
view from above the tower of odori park
notice anything cute?

the sapporo fish market
in the shiroi koibito factory's park... rose garden
these cute things pop out and scold you when you touch the tree...
find yien san and elaine!!!
hokkaido sushi... yup everything was raw... extremely raw...
i front of a glass making factory where you can make something for yourself by yourself!!! i made a pendant...
i promised elaine i'll document her doing her mug, but at last... i didn't catch the picture of her finished product... sad...
i also like yien san's pose here... in front of some lake where we saw a lot of rocks under the sea
night time in odori park, bon odori (ghost festival dance) going on
on our way to asahiyama zoo... flowers!!!
sunflower!!!
dying lavender!!!
at tomita farm in asahikawa if i'm not mistaken, ate lavender ice cream here!!! super delicious!!!
called the parent child trees, used in some advertisement...
penguins!!!
'what you looking at ah?' cute polar bears were in the zoo... 3 to be exact
a cute and cheeky guy who can choose to run overhead you, he even stops and stares down at you at times... ok i admit i forgot what he is...
at the zoo
at mount hakodate... in lai's words... romantic mountain...
view from atop hakodate mountain...
wei shen insulting one of the statues...
some star shaped park made in ancient times by the feudal time japs to protect themselves from invading foreigners, but never completed at that time...
model of the star...
my last photo in hokkaido... on top of a giant rock...
-----------------------------the end---------------------------------

wait...

---wait---
i'd wait and wait and wait some more...
there's nothing more to life than waiting for you...
i'd sing this song to you if you'd listen,
but listen closely,
cause no one else is gonna sing to you again,

i lost so many moments waiting on you,
lost my nerves when i held your hand,
i wanted to say i love, but i just stuttered,
when you'd stared back at me with those dead cold eyes,

i'd say thank you but if you listened,
for all those times you cradled me in your arms,
and when you let me lean on your shoulder and cry,
but i don't get it...

cause i wait and i wait and i wait some more,
but you don't seem to show up anymore,
those are the times when i give up,
but then you show up...
and i'm waiting on you again...

are these all lies?
are these all just my dreams?
do you hate me?
or do you just love me too much to say it?

i'd wait and wait and wait some more...
there's nothing more to life than waiting for you...
i'd sing this song to you if you'd listen,
but listen closely,
cause no one else is gonna sing to you again,

i'd wait and wait and wait some more...
there's nothing more to life than waiting for you...
i'd sing this song to you if you listen,
and i hope that you understand now,
that life isn't easy...
and life must go on...
and i'm sorry to say... i'll wait...
but not for you anymore...

this post is dedicated to my friend, well... all of us have our moments, sometimes, you pick the wrong way, and some times you pick the right... i went through all of this, and realize one thing, that no matter which road you pick, at the end of it, your friends will be there to mend your wounds or even celebrate with you... never under-estimate the power of your friends... peace out...

someday...

someday by jinn...

Chi wo hau musume.
地を這う娘。
Kirei na hana wa mitsukatta no kai?
キレイな華は見つかったのかい？
Wake mo naku, jibun wo
訳も無く、自分を
Miushinau wake ga nai darou yo.
見失うわけがないだろうよ。
Someday...
SOMEDAY...
Itsuka, taiyou ga kimi wo terasu darou.
いつか、太陽が君を照らすだろう。
Ima, kono basho wo hanazono ni kaeyou.
今、この場所を花園に変えよう。
Umi shiru shounen.
海知る少年。
Yume no niishi wa ryuu sareta no kai?
夢の小石は流されたのかい？
Imi mo naku, koe kare
意味も無く、声枯れ
Sakebu hazu mo aru mai.
叫ぶはずもあるまい
Someday...
SOMEDAY...
Itsuka, taiyou ga kimi wo terasu darou.
いつか、太陽が君を照らすだろう。
Ima, kono basho wo hanazono ni kaeyou.
今、この場所を花園に変えよう。
Hitotsu, futatsu.
一つ、二つ。
Koto no ha, maiorite
言の葉、舞い降りて
Watashi wa, ima.
私は、今。
Watashi wa...
私は。。。

girl crawling on the ground,
did you find a beautiful flower yet?
there's no reason,
to lose sight of yourself...

someday...
someday, the sun will shine on you...
now, let's turn this place into a garden...

the boy who loves the sea,
did the pebbles of your hopes get flown away?
there's no reason, my voice goes dry,
and there's no way i can shout anymore...

someday...
someday, the sun will shine on you...
now, let's turn this place into a garden...

one... two...
the leafs of words, dance as they fall,
now... i...
i...



to me this song had a very deep meaning even though the english translation sounds stupid, and the way she (jinn, the singer) sings it give you a feeling that you can push on no matter what... i'm not going to ruin it's meaning by writing what i think it means, i just wrote the literal translation... so good luck deciphering it...

bye bye!!!

ermm... i got to hurry... yesterday, went to the hanabi festival (fireworks fare) in shirarahama... the famous beach where sand is imported from australia... well i'll be going to tokyo tomorrow, it sounds long right? but if you count hours its like 6 hours away... well i haven't finished packing... well, just wanted to inform those interested i won't be blogging for around 3 weeks because of the trip to hokkaido and all... sorry for the delay... bye bye!!!

steamboat?

well, today chiang shen (my senior), alan and i had sort of a steamboat party... i said sort of cause of the various mishaps that happened... it started from yesterday...
i woke up at 1030 am and i was supposed to catch the 1000 am bus to town to buy the ingredients... well i settled for the 1130 one...
then i went to chiang shen's room to ask what i should buy for tonight...
(open the door)
cs: (still on bed sleeping)what? what???
me: i'll be going to gobo in 20 minutes... anything specific i need to buy?
cs: so early go and do what? shops not yet open...
me: (blur a bit) it's 1110 now...
cs: (wakes up suddenly) AH!!! i got to see my teacher at 800...
me: (swt...)... message me what i need to buy... i go first...
cs: ok!

one hour later when i was strolling in gobo...
me: (to myself) why hasn't he messaged me yet... (find phone)...
me: (to myself) opss... (left my phone in my room)...

so i eventually bought stuff i thought we would need according to my instinct...
that night...
(we meet in front of our corridor)
me: cs, i did something smart this morning...
cs: i also did something smart, i left the steamboat pot is in wei jian's room (he already went back to malaysia) so luckly you didn't buy the food...
me: (swt...) erm i forgot my phone this morning...
cs: i know already la...
me: (swt lagi...) ermmm... i bought the stuff already...
cs: (pura-pura faint)...

so we decided to use a normal pot and cook the stuff... wan ying (my only female senior) was supposed to join us, but she suddenly decided not to... kesian la, i won't be able to see her for one month... haizzzz... well well her bad luck... hehehe...
we wanted to make tom yam soup but all we had was two cubes of instant tom yam left... we improvised and ended up with more of a asam soup than tom yam... but amazingly thanks to cs, it tasted great...
there is an interesting story about the 'drinks' too... ask me if you see me and i'll tell you my adventure with alan...

the place i stay at...

i don't know how to really explain this place, it's becoming so much of my home that i can't tell what's different or special in this place anymore... well this place looks quite like malaysia actually, there is a lot of farms around...
i guess the first thing you'd realize about my school here is that it's covered in rust, but don't let that fool you, cause the things are quite new (not everything la...), it's just cause we are near the sea, so everything rusts at an amazing speed...
the towns nearby like inami and tanabe is popular for ume, or japanese plums (asam boi). which i really don't understand why japanese like to eat it so much... (makan dengan nasi punya... ya tuhan... imagine eating asam boi and rice...) ok la, it's not actually asam boi, it's plums pickled in salt water, so it's just salty...
the view here is breath-taking if it really doesn't take your breath away first by it's strong 'smells'... the sea nearby that i go strolling, is filled with the smell of drying seaweed meant to be sold, once you get used to the smell, then you'll start enjoying the view...
umm... what else is there say about this place? don't know, can't think of anything special... heard other kosens are much more prettier... but nearby here got a melon 食べ放題 or all you can eat melon buffet (i think strawberries are included in the package too...) but it's quite expensive... there is also a all you can eat cake shop here also... going to visit it more often from now on...
some random photo of my place...
the melon farm which is 5 minutes walk away where they have a melon all you can eat... never been to it though...
got two extra characters please ignore... hehehe
view of our tennis court which is beside my dorm...
the building on the right is my school office complex and on the left is a flower my mom grow at home too
fishing boats heading to sea...
just a random picture i thought was beautiful...